Today has been hard

I woke this morning with an overwhelming sense of what was missing or should I say who was missing, over the last few days I have thought of winter more and more and then when I got up today I felt over come with emotion and heartache, I've taken to calling these days grief attacks, it seems like a fitting name as I can go long periods of time feeling perfectly fine and then all of a sudden it hits me again, it doesn't seem to pass until I go to bed when it happens so the trick is to try and keep myself busy, today I put a coat of paint on the kitchen, hung a couple of Christmas decs and tried to distract myself with some tv, it's now early evening and although I still don't feel great I Ann thinking to myself "I made it through again" it must be hard for people who haven't been through it to understand but it's like you keep all your thoughts and emotions in a container and every now and then that container starts to overflow and as it does so your hit with an immense sadness and feeling of loneliness, I think the feeing lonely is due to the fact that you know yourself others don't understand.

Well tomorrow will be a new day yet again and although nothing will have changed I will most likely wake feeling fine again, here's hoping.

All my love to my beautiful little angel baby xxxx

Christmas is fast approaching again

well we are half way through November which means Christmas is just around the corner and just the thought of it is enough to bring me to tears, last Christmas was hard as it would have been winters first Christmas but I knew even at that point that this Christmas would be hard because winter would have been big enough to actually enjoy it all,  the run up to it, seeing santa, the excitement of Christmas morning, the boxes the toys would have been in (we all know that's what the kids really want to play with).

When I think about Christmas now I feel like a volcano of emotions, I can feel it building slowly inside me, my chest tightens, I feel light head and the tears build before the overflow, I know part of it is fear as I'm unsure exactly how I'll feel when I wake up that day, the last day I felt this anxious about was winters birthday and I know when I woke up that day I felt sick, I felt like I was in the middle of a massively panick artack.

My plan is to try and remain calm, breath and remember that winter will be there with me every minute of the day and she would not want to see her mummy sad.

If I could have one Christmas wish it would definitely be to have Winnie back in my arms driving me crazy, refusing to sleep in her bed, keeping me up at night.

Am I ok or just good at faking it now

I'm currently sat on a train 18 months after losing my baby princess and I'm suddenly hit with an awful sadness out of nowhere, this leads me to wonder the question in my title am I ok or just good at faking it? Do I just spend most of my time pretending I'm fine and the suddenly it's like a container that's filled to much and overflows. I don't know and I guess I never will, I think I'm ok most of the time obviously certain things will set me off but recently I have had a few nightmares again remember that day and now this, I'm sure it's just normal I can always remember someone telling me that grief is not a straight line so that could be all this is.

When these moments hit it's all consuming like the sadness and pain is the only thing you are able to feel right now at that moment I ask Winter to comfort me, it's a strange feeling like no one else is around you it's just you and the sadness, starting blanking at nothing.

I guess it's just part of my life now and I know winter is with me every step of the way

18 months without you

Dear Winnie,

18 months has passed since you grew your wings, I still think about you every single day, how could I not? My love for you still grow with each passing minute. I hope when you see me your proud of your mummy. I'm so proud of you my brace beautiful amazing little butterfly, I hope it's as beautiful up there as you are.

So much has happened since I last saw you, I've probably changed a lot from the mummy you once knew but I hope it's mainly for the better, I try my best not to be too sad when I think about you, I know you wouldn't want to see me cry, I was writing about you the other day and then I found a white feather on the floor in the hallway, was that you? Did you leave that for me? We're you with me? I wish there was some way for you to answer all my questions as I have so many.

One day Winnie I'll be with you and I have the biggest hug for you so I hope your ready for it because my arms will definitely be ready for you, I'll wrap them round you so tight and plant a little kiss on your nose, I'll breath deeply to take in your scent.

It's hard not having you here but I know you couldn't stay any longer, I'm so greatful you stayed the time you did and graces me with you beauty, your smile and just you.

I must go now baby girl be good till mummy gets to you

All my love hugs and kisses for you caterpillar
Love mummy xxxx

The mind works in strange ways

I sometimes find it strange the way our minds work, memorie that pop up and you think for a minute 'ohh I'd forgotten that'

Today I found some old photos and as I was going through them I stumbled upon a scan picture of winter from a private scan I'd had because I was too impatient to wait and found out if I was team blue or pink. As I looked at the pic I remembered that day vividly, walking into the scan room fully expecting to be told I was having a little boy, I had taken my 2 older girls with me so they felt part of it all, I could remember being sat in the car after and putting a post of Facebook about there being a 2% chance I was having a boy (this made me smile) I remembered how much I enjoyed being pregnant, watching my belly grow, I remembered the app I had on my phone that told me how big my baby girl had got from week to week and showed you how big her hand should be.

I hadn't thought about any of this since winter had been born but I was pleasantly surprised that it all made smile, the one pang of sadness that struck me was that it's something I'll never get to do again.

Hard to read, hard to write

In September 2015 I decided to start this blog in the run up to pregnancy and infant loss awareness month in an effort to encourage other to talk about their little ones too as it does seem to be such a taboo subject, we may be bereaved parents but does that mean we are any less proud of our child? Does this mean we want to talk about our child less? The answer to both questions is NO.

I appreciate people don't want to bring our children up through fear of upsetting us however the one thing that is more upsetting is thinking people have forgotten.

As I sat down to write my first post I was filled with hope at the thought of helping others, fear of reliving all the details and also wondered if anyone would actually read it, turns out a lot of people have read it, at the time I'm writing this it has actually been read now 10,840 times all across the world, this makes me proud mainly of my daughter winter knowing that she was only here for 5 and a half weeks but she was able to help so many people with her story.

I will continue to write my blog with my daughters memento at the for forefront of my mind, I encourage anyone who feels alone whilst traveling this long dark road to reach out, I always have time for other angel parents. I have an instagram account that runs with my blog if anyone wants to reach out feel free to message me on there it is also named fightingforwinter.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to help spread the word and to read my story, all my love and blessing to you and your angels xxx

Finally getting back winters things

I posted the other day about police involvement and waiting to get winters stuff back still, yesterday however I got a phone call from the PC involved with the case who did apologise a lot for the time it has taken. He got 2 officers to drive her stuff over to me.

As I sat waiting for the 2 officers to arrive I felt sick and nervous, how was I going to feel seeing her clothes she was wearing at the time? I got another call from the PC to let me know the best she had been wearing had been cut by the hospital to remove it quickly, he said he wanted to let me know so I wasn't upset to see it.

When the officers arrived they handed me a large plan brown envelope inside was her vest, sleep suit and red book, the sleep suit which was one of my favourites said "I love my marvellous mummy"
I looked at and smelt her clothes but they didn't really smell of anything now, looked through her red book and had a few tears.

This is the final piece of the jigsaw to put some closure to everything and getting them back didn't upset me as much as I thought it might have.

Thinking bigger

so yesterday my blog tipped over 9000 readers and has been read across the globe, it got me thinking how can this blog help more?

I have decided to include ads in my blog, I will not over run it with ads though as I will only place them down the side, by doing this it means the blog will make money and my idea is that what my blog makes will go the bereavement suite that allowed me to spend 3 weeks still holding my beautiful daughter and saying goodbye to her after she had passed, I know in order for this to work it will take a title more effort on my part so I will also be setting up an instagdam page to run along side this blog .

Any feedback regarding ads being to big or anything like that please feel free to contact me xx

Police involvement

I have mentioned this aspect before and I know people who have gone through the same or similar will be aware of the polices involvement, this involvement continues until the cause of death has been concluded, in winters case this was about 6 months. You are informed that the items they take from your baby will be returned as soon as their involvement ends, so why 18 months later am I still having to make phone calls and chase them for winters belongings, forever being promised a call back, every time I call I have to answer the same questions....... what was your daughters name? What was the date she died? Where did her death occur? Why do I have to answer these questions? Because the person I speak too doesn't have access to this information.
How is it fair that in this day and age a bereaved parent should have to chase the police to get back the belongings of their beloved child! It's not right! It's not fair! It simply should not be happening. For myself this is the final thing for me to do to be able to have any sort of closure and it's like mental torture.

After all this time

im sat in a hospital waiting room to have a lump check in my breast and my phone rings, I answer it the lady checks who I am and then informs me "mrs Hutchinson, we now have all the paperwork we need from the coroners report so you are now ok to come and register winters birth and death, when would you like to book that for?" I freeze, tears fill my eyes and I can't talk, finally I manage "I'm really sorry I can't talk to you now can I ring back?" I couldn't think, my head was spinning, over a year after losing winter and now I have to face this. I pull myself together contact them and make the appointment, then I need to contact the police to get my red book for winter back so I have all the info I need, during these phone calls I sit and think this shouldn't be happening, I shouldn't have to do this, will this never end.

The end of the week comes and I wake feeling sick, shaking knowing today I will be registering both events, I don't want to do this but at the same time I want to get this done too. It was like my heart breaking all over again, I got through this day thanks to an amazing friend holding my hand every step of the way.

Hit like a ton of bricks

So ive not posed for a bit, even when I'm not posting I'm still thinking of how to right a post about something I have experienced that I feel may be helpful for others to know that they aren't alone in feeling, this being said I'll start with my trip back to the doctors surgery where it all started that morning 11/05/2015.

Everytime I enter the waiting room I feel anxious and the longer I wait the worse it gets, my heart starts to pound, my eyes dart all over and my right leg will start bouncing up and down, I'll start to sweat and my hands will shake, this day was no different until I saw the room number I was supposed to go to flash up on the electric sign, I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach and was filled with dread, I just knew that was the one room I didn't want to go in, I start walking down the corridor hoping I'm wrong I till I see the door number and suddenly I'm transported back to that day, the fear I felt walking into room 7 as doctors were working on winter and I was waiting for the ambulance to arrive, today though I couldn't go in there I got to the and I broke down, I couldn't breath I panicked and cried, luckily the doctor I was to set was so understanding and took me to a different but my reaction left me wondering if I had dealt with things as well as I had thought.

Thoughts can over take you

Sometimes I find I can go ages and ages without feeling to bad but then it hits you like a ten tonne truck, last night I could not sleep for anything, everything was in my mind, thinking back to that last night together, to that awful day, thinking about what we have missed together what we will never get to do.

The thoughts plague me as the rest of the world sleeps I lay and weep, eyes full of tears my mind full of dreams and memories of the little girl I wanted to dearly, the Angel I got to look after for 5 precious weeks. When I have nights like this I have to think of something anything to stop the feeling of utter loneliness I feel as I sit thinking people don't understand why I still feel like this, I have to disract myself from the anger I feel at having my dreams for my beautiful daughter ripped from me. Most of all I have to remind myself that no matter how alone I feel at this moment I'm not I have people all around there to support me.

Am I forgetting?

As time has passed on I spend less time crying and mourning for winter but tonight as I was talking to someone about winter I sent them a picture of her and suddenly felt this pain in my heart as I looked at her face and though I almost can't remember what holding her felt like, kissing her head, changing her nappy or feeding her. I dont want to forget these things but am I forgetting them or is ny mind making them less prominent now in order for my heart to move forward. Maybe it's just time, as the between now and the memory grows the memory itself fades but does that have to be a bad thing? I'll never forget winter herself it's juts the feelings, smells etc that may get harder to recall but this is surely normal, I can't be the only one.

What we all have to remember is that even if we forget little things from time to time as long as we make sure now forgets our angels existed we are doing them proud.

Whatever you feel is right, is right!

During this journey the only person that knows what is right for you is you! Don't let anyone tell you the best thing to do, say or feel, don't bottle things up or avoid saying something through fear of it being awkward. Let out whatever you feel, say what you want even if you have said it 10 times a day for the last 2 months, look after you not everyone around you, your thoughts and feeling are important to your emotional well bring as well as your healing process (I say your healing process as everyone is different especially in terms of grieve)
Always remeber nothing you think or feel is in anyway wrong, you mind is processing thoughts that it should never in a million year have to think about, give yourself time, give yourself a break but most importantly give yourself the credit you deserve!! You are fighting the hardest battle you ever will and you are winning!

Sometimes I get angry, that's ok right?

Something I get angry, I get pissed off at the hand life has dealt me, I can't change it, that much I know so why get angry about it?

I get angry watching others go about their normal lives happily having their babies in their arms, watching them grow, I get angry that my ex is now having triplets just over a year after our beautiful angel passed.

I can't help this and then I get angry at myself for being angry about these things, everyone deserves their happiness and I fully believe this but my anger is more at the fact that I don't still have mine.

After life starts returning to normal

After all the heartache, the deep sadness and initial grieving your life slowly returns to some form of normality, by this I simply mean you look at returning to work, ways to carry on living, in my case unfortunately I had to find a whole new life after splitting with my husband and moving out of the family home.

I won't lie and say it was easy or I took it on the shoulders, I just did what I could not to give up and break down. For the first time in my life I moved into a shared house (not what I pictured I'd be doing at 33yrs old). You have to start focusing on what you want from life, do you want some time alone? Do you want to look for someone to share life with? Make new memories with? With these questions comes a whole load more how do you meet someone new? I had been with my husband 8yrs everything had changed in terms of dating, it's a whole barrel of confusion and game playing from what I can work out, then more questions, if you do meet someone when do you tell them about the hell you have been through? Yes it's an awkward conversation but it's part of what make you who you are today.

At the end of the day only one person can answer these questions and that is you yourself, do what's right for you when it's right for you. Make yourself happy! Not an easy feat if like me you always put others happiness before your own.

Make some changes, personally I decided to change my eating, took up running and hoola hooping and I have felt so much better for it, it gives me time for me, just to empty my mind and think of nothing, it also give me a sense of accomplishment and the knowledge that after everything I've been through I could have easily given up (hell I very nearly did) but I'm still here, I'm fighting for myself, for winters memory and my other children and I always will.

Will I always want what I can't have?

A question I will not be able to answer, so what do I want that I can't have? I want the old me back, the me that had never felt before the kind of pain that losing a child brings, the me that didn't have the same repetitive nightmare over and over again, the me that didn't have to worry about anxiety that also brought hypersensitivity to sound with it to the point that someone squeaking a chair around me made me want to actually hurt them, led me to get so anxious I would scratch at my own skin, not just that though, I also want my little girl back, my little 5 weeks girl back in my arms where she should be and all the firsts that had been stolen from me, I want them too! Beyond that I want the chance to have my rainbow baby, something I know is totally out of the question for me unless I want to risk my own and an unborn babies life, it hurts that I mourn the loss of my beautiful winter and also the loss of any chance to carry a rainbow baby.

In 2014 I was diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis, I was told my ovaries and my bowel were attaches to the back wall of my uterus and the pouch of Douglas, it turned out during my c section my bladder got torn as we were unaware that it was attached to a tiny part at the front of my uterus, after my c section my surgeon informed me that to carry again would be very dangerous due to how thing my uterus was, it wad thin the the point it was see through, the surgeon could see winter through it and to carry again could lead to my uterus rupturing and that could call time on myself and an unborn child. At the time of being told this I was ok, I had my precious miracle that I never thought I would get so I was as happy as a pig in muck, little did I know this would only last 5 weeks and that 14 months on I would cry myself to sleep feeling that my body had completely failed me, every pain I now get fron the endometriosis is like a constant reminder to me of what I will never be able to do again.

I'm not stupid though, I know I have a lot to be greatful for, I have my 2 older children, great family and friends but does that make the pain of losing winter any less? Does it ease the ache I feel at wanting another baby? No not at all!

In the dead of night

At night when I can't sleep Winter is my first thought, a thousand thoughts flood my mind, did she suffer? Did she know what was happening? Did she realise mummy wasn't strong enough to get closer to her as they worked on her? That last question will always haunt me, they put her in the back of the ambulance and as they worked on her I tried to get in the back with her and I couldn't, I couldn't see her tiny little body like that, I hate myself for not being closer to her, a small part of me has an awful feeling like she felt well if your not strong enough neither am I and maybe if I had got in there with her she would have felt it easier to fight.

I lay staring at the ceiling thinking about this and also about holding her in my arms at the hospital as she took her lasts breaths and even though we had been told nothing could be done I spoke to her begging her not to go, I kissed her head repeatedly telling her how much I loved her and praying for a miracle, praying for her to prove all these doctors wrong and thinking one day when she is older I'll tell her about this, about how amazingly strong she was to beat the odds.

These thoughts swirl around in my head less like memories and more like an old home movie on a constant loop with bits missing, it'll be jumpy at times and blurry where I can't quite remember little things, I can remember all the sounds and the smells and the feelings I felt that day, I have never felt anything so raw or so deeply d hope to God I never do again. All I can really hope is all the answers to these questions are no, no she didn't suffer, no she didn't know what was happening and most of all no she didn't realise that I wasn't closer to her or strong enough to be.

I'll never forget that whole day or the weeks that followed but I will try to stop blaming myself certain things that happened that day as I have already been told given if we were in hospital before anything started they couldn't have done anything at all

Never be silent when it comes to your angle

My main reason for starting this blog as you know was to try and end the silence that surrounds pregnancy and infant loss, I've told you my story and will continue to do so as I continue down the long road I'm travelling but I want to encourage other to speak about their little ones too, it doesn't matter if you were 5 weeks pregnant or your baby was 5 weeks old they were your baby and if you want to talk about them you should do so, never mind worrying about it making others uncomfortable or sad, can they feel any worse than you do everyday of your life since that dreadful day? No they can't!

We go to bed and close our eyes and it's there, we get up to start our day and it's there, if you think about your little one then talk about them.

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Memories flood back

Today I saw my niece she is only 4 weeks old and as I sat holding her alot of memories and feelings flooded back,
She lay sleeping with her mouth open and I remembered winter always slept like that I also remember this being mentioned at her final goodbye.

I was filled with a mix of emotions, proud of my beautiful little nice in my arms and at the same time sad that my arms have been empty for 14 months now, aching for the fact I know I won't get my chance to hold my own baby in my arms again due to problems I have, followed by questions in my head about whether I am really ok with this fact, it seems so unfair that a women's last chance to be a mother should be cut so short.

I looked at little Olivia and beamed with happiness at the fact she will always be watched over by winter.

I lost my baby and then my life as I knew it

April 2015 I was a happily married mum of 3 girls, my husband and I had tried for our baby for 6yrs and finally we now had each other, jordan who at the time was 14, shannon who was 11 and little winter had joined us, at this blissfully happy time I had no idea that by this time next year I would single and have no children around me.

It's a hard adjustment to go from a full family to living in a shared house with you 2 living children 100's miles away, I'd love to tell you how I'm still standing but I can't as I have absolutely no idea myself.

I decided to take up running again, it gave me something to focus on and a way to just empty my head for a bit and think of nothing but what I wad doing at that exact moment, I was enjoying it until I decided to add other ways to work out into the mix and broke my foot, I'm currently in plaster and miss my running so much.

I'd say to anyone struggling, give running try, you don't have to run a marathon, just stick some music on and run for a bit it's definitely helped me whilst I was doing it.

I didn't just take up running I changed a few things, changed my entire diet, ran in a morning and walked in an evening, found a peaceful place I could take myself off to and just be alone with my thoughts, find a little peace of solice in your hectic mind, look after yourself first and foremost.

Today, 14months on

Today is the 6th July and last night I sat and I cried more than I have in months, realising this is never going to go, this pain and grieve will always be hiding in wait to strike me when it sees fit,

I have a box in my bedroom that used to have winters toys in it, now it contains memories like the box the Chaplin used the day of the funeral, cards from the funeral, little trinkets I have been given in winters memory those kinds of things along with the hungry caterpillar book (anyone who has read through my blog will understand the significance of this) I read that book last night and looked at the contents of that box all laid on my bed and thought, is this it? Is this what I have from those 6yrs of tears, hopes and praying to have a little baby? Why don't I have my baby? I wanted her so much and loved her so much more, why do other, people that didn't plan for their babies, people that didn't even want them, why do they have theirs? Did I do something wrong?

I lay last night and I cried, I cried because ot still hurts so much, because I still miss my winter, because I still don't understand and doubt I ever will.

I find it hard to talk to people about how I'm feeling now as in some part of me I feel like people think it's been long enough now for me not to be like this, not to be in floods of tears and have this deep aching pain inside me, I felt desperate last night as if I was spiralling out of control and didn't know how to regain my breath, my strength to pull myself back once again as I have done so many times before. Im tired, tired of saying "I'm OK" no I'm not ok and I'm not even sure I know how ok feels anymore, what I am is good at pretending I'm OK so that people will leave the questions there and I can go on pretending.

Deep down I know I will pull myself back as I'm living proof I can.

A whole year has passed without you

11th may rolls round and a full 12 months of grieving is completed, is the pain any less than it was 12 months ago? No it's just not as raw anymore.

So the 10th may I'm at work and it suddenly hits me that this day last year was the last full day I spent with winter, the last day I was carrying on as if I would have her in my life forever and I had random outbursts of tears as memories of this day came back to me.

I booked 11th may off work as did a friend of mine to be with me, I had decided not to go to winters forever bed and instead mark the day going up to the bereavement suite where she spent her last 3 weeks after she passed before the funeral, I took them blankets and hats to use for other little angels and then spent a little time in the chaple at the childrens hospital, after this I went and got a cpl of different balloons and took them up to a peaceful spot near the alpaca farm to release them for winter, it was not an easy day and leading up to this day I went back to the doctors to get diazepam to help with the bouts of panic attacks that had started to come back.

A year in most case seems like a long time but when it's a year since your child has passed away it's the strangest amount of time, in some senses it feels like a lifetime but in others it feels like a day, you still hurt, still mourn, still long for your baby back in your arms, you still want to wake up and find out its all a nightmare and none of the last year has really happened and you find yourself wondering will things ever feel different?  Will I ever truly be happy again? Or will I spend the rest of my life outwardly pretending I'm OK now?

My butterflies 1St birthday

April 2nd 2015 should have been a day for a big celebration, our little winter should have been blowing out her 1St birthday candles and instead the day was marked without her there.

So by this point myself and my husband have seperated but winters birthday will be spent with him and his family and our friends, I got up the same as any morning and got into the shower after 5 mins I couldn't cope with how I was feeling I got out of the shower and with my hair still wet took myself off to ny friends house to talk to someone to help me deal with how I was feeling, it was a peaceful day, tears and contemplation, knowing how the day should be going, filled with balloons and laughs, 1St anniversaries will always be thr hardest.

Babies 1St Christmas without your precious baby

So Christmas rolls around as it always does only this year with alot of sorrow as you are aware you should be trying to keep a 7 month old happy whilst preparing dinner and setting the table.

My husbands parents would be away over Christmas so we had Christmas day early at their house with all the family, constantly aware that a little bundle of joy was missing.

To be honest Christmas didn't feel like Christmas at all and when I think back now I can hardly remember it, that's how much of a blur it was, my husband spent most of the day in bed upset for the daughter he never saw open her presents, we went to winters forever bed but that was pretty much it.

It's been a while since I posted so a quick run down of what's happened since november may be in order.

So November started pretty much the same as most months I was still working and then boom!! My husband left me (I'll not go into why or anything like that as this blog for my journey of grieve) after this my 2 older children decided to move and live with their dad, as long as they are happy and looked after I'm OK with this, after a week myself and husband decided to give it another go, Christmas came and went it was hard I had lost my angel and this would have been her first Christmas, after Christmas came new year and the hopes got a better year than the one before, February rolled round and my marriage ended for good.

Fast forward to today, I'm struggling, my husband now lives with someone else and they have a baby on the way, all of this caused alot of emotion which I will go into deeper in seperate posts dedicated to that. I am trying my hardest to get on with things but it's so hard even 14 months later.

That's a quick catch up so I'll leave this post here and will post again in the next few days in relation to dealing with 1St anniversaries x