A whole year has passed without you

11th may rolls round and a full 12 months of grieving is completed, is the pain any less than it was 12 months ago? No it's just not as raw anymore.

So the 10th may I'm at work and it suddenly hits me that this day last year was the last full day I spent with winter, the last day I was carrying on as if I would have her in my life forever and I had random outbursts of tears as memories of this day came back to me.

I booked 11th may off work as did a friend of mine to be with me, I had decided not to go to winters forever bed and instead mark the day going up to the bereavement suite where she spent her last 3 weeks after she passed before the funeral, I took them blankets and hats to use for other little angels and then spent a little time in the chaple at the childrens hospital, after this I went and got a cpl of different balloons and took them up to a peaceful spot near the alpaca farm to release them for winter, it was not an easy day and leading up to this day I went back to the doctors to get diazepam to help with the bouts of panic attacks that had started to come back.

A year in most case seems like a long time but when it's a year since your child has passed away it's the strangest amount of time, in some senses it feels like a lifetime but in others it feels like a day, you still hurt, still mourn, still long for your baby back in your arms, you still want to wake up and find out its all a nightmare and none of the last year has really happened and you find yourself wondering will things ever feel different?  Will I ever truly be happy again? Or will I spend the rest of my life outwardly pretending I'm OK now?