At night when I can't sleep Winter is my first thought, a thousand thoughts flood my mind, did she suffer? Did she know what was happening? Did she realise mummy wasn't strong enough to get closer to her as they worked on her? That last question will always haunt me, they put her in the back of the ambulance and as they worked on her I tried to get in the back with her and I couldn't, I couldn't see her tiny little body like that, I hate myself for not being closer to her, a small part of me has an awful feeling like she felt well if your not strong enough neither am I and maybe if I had got in there with her she would have felt it easier to fight.
I lay staring at the ceiling thinking about this and also about holding her in my arms at the hospital as she took her lasts breaths and even though we had been told nothing could be done I spoke to her begging her not to go, I kissed her head repeatedly telling her how much I loved her and praying for a miracle, praying for her to prove all these doctors wrong and thinking one day when she is older I'll tell her about this, about how amazingly strong she was to beat the odds.
These thoughts swirl around in my head less like memories and more like an old home movie on a constant loop with bits missing, it'll be jumpy at times and blurry where I can't quite remember little things, I can remember all the sounds and the smells and the feelings I felt that day, I have never felt anything so raw or so deeply d hope to God I never do again. All I can really hope is all the answers to these questions are no, no she didn't suffer, no she didn't know what was happening and most of all no she didn't realise that I wasn't closer to her or strong enough to be.
I'll never forget that whole day or the weeks that followed but I will try to stop blaming myself certain things that happened that day as I have already been told given if we were in hospital before anything started they couldn't have done anything at all
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