Will I always want what I can't have?

A question I will not be able to answer, so what do I want that I can't have? I want the old me back, the me that had never felt before the kind of pain that losing a child brings, the me that didn't have the same repetitive nightmare over and over again, the me that didn't have to worry about anxiety that also brought hypersensitivity to sound with it to the point that someone squeaking a chair around me made me want to actually hurt them, led me to get so anxious I would scratch at my own skin, not just that though, I also want my little girl back, my little 5 weeks girl back in my arms where she should be and all the firsts that had been stolen from me, I want them too! Beyond that I want the chance to have my rainbow baby, something I know is totally out of the question for me unless I want to risk my own and an unborn babies life, it hurts that I mourn the loss of my beautiful winter and also the loss of any chance to carry a rainbow baby.

In 2014 I was diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis, I was told my ovaries and my bowel were attaches to the back wall of my uterus and the pouch of Douglas, it turned out during my c section my bladder got torn as we were unaware that it was attached to a tiny part at the front of my uterus, after my c section my surgeon informed me that to carry again would be very dangerous due to how thing my uterus was, it wad thin the the point it was see through, the surgeon could see winter through it and to carry again could lead to my uterus rupturing and that could call time on myself and an unborn child. At the time of being told this I was ok, I had my precious miracle that I never thought I would get so I was as happy as a pig in muck, little did I know this would only last 5 weeks and that 14 months on I would cry myself to sleep feeling that my body had completely failed me, every pain I now get fron the endometriosis is like a constant reminder to me of what I will never be able to do again.

I'm not stupid though, I know I have a lot to be greatful for, I have my 2 older children, great family and friends but does that make the pain of losing winter any less? Does it ease the ache I feel at wanting another baby? No not at all!