Today, 14months on

Today is the 6th July and last night I sat and I cried more than I have in months, realising this is never going to go, this pain and grieve will always be hiding in wait to strike me when it sees fit,

I have a box in my bedroom that used to have winters toys in it, now it contains memories like the box the Chaplin used the day of the funeral, cards from the funeral, little trinkets I have been given in winters memory those kinds of things along with the hungry caterpillar book (anyone who has read through my blog will understand the significance of this) I read that book last night and looked at the contents of that box all laid on my bed and thought, is this it? Is this what I have from those 6yrs of tears, hopes and praying to have a little baby? Why don't I have my baby? I wanted her so much and loved her so much more, why do other, people that didn't plan for their babies, people that didn't even want them, why do they have theirs? Did I do something wrong?

I lay last night and I cried, I cried because ot still hurts so much, because I still miss my winter, because I still don't understand and doubt I ever will.

I find it hard to talk to people about how I'm feeling now as in some part of me I feel like people think it's been long enough now for me not to be like this, not to be in floods of tears and have this deep aching pain inside me, I felt desperate last night as if I was spiralling out of control and didn't know how to regain my breath, my strength to pull myself back once again as I have done so many times before. Im tired, tired of saying "I'm OK" no I'm not ok and I'm not even sure I know how ok feels anymore, what I am is good at pretending I'm OK so that people will leave the questions there and I can go on pretending.

Deep down I know I will pull myself back as I'm living proof I can.