well we are half way through November which means Christmas is just around the corner and just the thought of it is enough to bring me to tears, last Christmas was hard as it would have been winters first Christmas but I knew even at that point that this Christmas would be hard because winter would have been big enough to actually enjoy it all, the run up to it, seeing santa, the excitement of Christmas morning, the boxes the toys would have been in (we all know that's what the kids really want to play with).
When I think about Christmas now I feel like a volcano of emotions, I can feel it building slowly inside me, my chest tightens, I feel light head and the tears build before the overflow, I know part of it is fear as I'm unsure exactly how I'll feel when I wake up that day, the last day I felt this anxious about was winters birthday and I know when I woke up that day I felt sick, I felt like I was in the middle of a massively panick artack.
My plan is to try and remain calm, breath and remember that winter will be there with me every minute of the day and she would not want to see her mummy sad.
If I could have one Christmas wish it would definitely be to have Winnie back in my arms driving me crazy, refusing to sleep in her bed, keeping me up at night.
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