Full of thoughts today

My head is full today, I’ve had parts of the day where I’m fine and parts where I feel I may explode. 

Social media, Facebook, Instagram etc can be the bereaved mothers lifeline, you have your support network of others who understand, you can always turn to them for help or a listening ear. Social media can also be your worst enemy you scroll through and find another scan picture, another pregnancy announcement, another birth announcement and although you are happy for these people you have that pang of pain, especially knowing I can’t do that again, pregnancy for me know would be to dangerous but I still look and think ‘I’d love that chance again” and it hurts the fact I know I can’t.

We all have to play the hands we are dealt though, push on our best, find a focus to concentrate, try and make some good in the world out of what happened but most of all kind to yourself. 

Not all people have the same heart as you j

I’ve not been posting much recently. When I started this blog the aim was to raise awareness for infant loss and also to helpful help people going through this so that they don’t feel so alone. I have always been 100% honest with my posts, tried to make them detailed so that other people may be able to relate to what they are reading. Some of my posts have been so hard to write but I have pushed through and laid my heart bare for others to read my story.

It saddens me a great deal that someone would read my blog, takes part of one of the hardest posts I wrote and twist it, try to use it against me by telling vicious lies. Due to this I haven’t felt much like writing lately but I will get back to it soon.

With last month being pregnancy and infant loss awareness month I did my normal plea to people to donate clothes, blankets, nappies etc for the bereavement suite, I will be taking these up next week.
We also did a dress down day at work to raise money for them so I can’t take a cheque into them for £111.40.

I want to thank everyone for their continued support in my blog, for reading, sharing and commenting. Xxx

Having a hard day

From time to time out of the blue it will hit me again, I imagine my grief on a stretchy rope and although it gets far away eventually it will bounce back to me or a boomerang maybe that I throw a little harder each time.

Last night it returned to me again and all I have thought since is 2 things, number 1:- it's not fair 2:- I want my baby girl back.

I'm fight through the best I can as I always do, I'm at work and functioning. It's normal I keep telling myself, it's normal.

Shuffle your cards and play another hand

Another year has gone by 2 years now and I got through Winnie's anniversary and birthday easier this year, I chose to celebrate the time I did have with her, although the time was short I wouldn't have given up those memories for anything.

In the last few years my life has gone through some highs and lows as anyone that reads my blog will know, I do keep this blog mainly to the subject of infant loss as that is what I was hoping would help others but it is important to remember that for some people myself included that dealing with the loss of a precious child is only one aspect of their life and you have no idea how many more struggles that person has, is or will be facing.

I sometimes feel my life is one big constant battle, I have stage 4 endomitriosis and have recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia as well, I don't know how I would get through without the people around around, supportive friends, family and work colleagues.

Despite any struggles I do have I sometimes have to sit back, sigh in relief and smile at how far I have come, I hit my lowest low as people will be aware from ready my story but since then I have picked myself up, dusted myself off and started again, new partner, new job and now my new home, life truly is what you make of it, you can be dealt a bad hand and lose that hand but that doesn't mean you have lost over all, reshuffle and re deal your cards you may get a better hand next time and who know you could even win the jackpot!

Keep fighting everyone, stay strong and support each other when you need it.

2nd april

the 2nd April to me now doesn't only mark another birthday without the birthday girl Winter Scarlett Hutchinson but it allows me to celebrate the day my life started to change, the day I brought an amazing angel into this world even if it was only for a short time, she touched many hearts and I know her story continues to do so, I received a message this evening, I will not mention specifics but to have someone tell me that thanks to me sharing my story they don't feel so alone it really hit home that not only did I want this to help others but it actually is helping others and this makes me very happy and even prouder of my little caterpillar.

7 mins to go but what the hey........

Happy birthday mummy's little caterpillar, we will be up later with your balloons, I love you to the moon and back, fly high and always be the brightest star in the night for mummy xxxxx

Birthday number 2

So Sunday coming 2nd April should be Winnie's 2nd birthday and although it breaks my heart I never got one birthday with my beautiful little caterpillar I have decided this year there are no tears, this birthday I shall celebrate my angel, the amazing little girl who's story has touched hearts all over the world. I'll celebrate her and also how far I have come since that day when I thought my life was over and that this world had nothing left to give me. I have a lot to celebrate, I have 2 incredible daughters without wings one of them will be turning 16 at the end of April, I am still here, I have a new job I'm really enjoying and I have an amazing man in my life who offers me so much support, strength when I feel I have none left, who very kindly and lovingly not only got me a Mother's Day card from Winnie but also wrote a tearjerkingly beautiful poem inside from her (I've decided not to share this as it's very dear to me and something I want to keep for myself) I thank this man from the bottom of my heart and I know Winnie is smiling down on him for all he does for her mummy.

Sunday we will go up to Winnie's forever bed and release balloons for her xxx

Missing you on mothers day

Today I woke with an overwhelming feeling of emptiness, of really missing you so deep it physically hurts beyond being able to explain in words to people how it feels,  I don't want to be alone but at the same time I don't feel like I want to be around people, it's confusing.

I'm annoyed at myself for the fact I have 2 others daughters one of which has already sent me a Mother's Day message yet I'm consumed with the hurt and upset for the daughter no longer here, ifs the deepest sadness I have felt and when days like this hit you honestly feel you will feel this sad forever.

I'm angry at the world at mothers that abuse or neglect their children, why do they have theirs when my little girl had to leave, life is unfair and it sometimes make me sit and think I always try to be a good person but what's the point because day in day out I see others acting like a*rseholes carrying on without regard for anyone else, only thinking of themselves and they have what they want, these people will always get their way so why don't I just stop being a good person, why don't I forget about others feelings and maybe then I'll always get what I want instead.

What hurts most is that I know in a weeks time I will say again in this amount of pain on winters birthday and it feels like it never ends.

Heaetbreak

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and tonight I feel heartbroken, I never got to have 1 Mother's Day with my beautiful little winter.

I think about it, how tomorrow morning she should be here, she should wake me up early whilst I grumble I can't even lay in on Mother's Day, she should be excited and try opening presents for me, I should look at her big beautiful eyes and beaming smile and think about how lucky I am to be blessed for a 3rd time with such and amazing daughter. I should spend my day surrounded by my girls chasing little Winnie as she behaves badly as she would be hitting her terrible twos by now and no doubt being a terror most of the time.

Instead of this I have photos and memories of the shortest 5 weeks ever, it hurts and I think it always will do xx

Mothers day

It's march again and I don't much like this time of year, I'm approaching my second Mother's Day since losing my Winnie, shortly followed by Winnie's 2nd birthday and then a month later her angelversary. It hurts like it was this morning she left but for you Winnie I will paint a smile on my face and get on.

My thoughts this Mother's Day go out to any angel mums xxx

I'm grateful to my angel

i am so grateful to my angel for looking over me since she left the earth, I know she is with me every step I take, she watches over me last year when I thought I couldn't not carry on and she helped me build myself back up, thanks to my angel my life feels better than it did this time last year.

Thank you Winnie for you continue help and strength mummy is very thankful to have you watching over me. 

I hope she is proud of the way I moved forward, I was ready to give up and give in but now I'm happy again, I have an amazing man in my life who supports me every step of the way and appreciates the struggle I face, I know Winnie watched is both and smiles at me being happy. 

Winnie may not be in my arms but she is always in my heart and always by my side fighting my corner and looking after me. 

I'm not the person I once was

Infant loss will effect everyone differently, it's defiantly changed me and I do believe it changes everyone even in small ways.

Since losing my daughter my life has changed completely, I hit rock bottom and had to work my way back up again. I understand a lot more than I used to do about anxiety, depression and grief, I see how often infant loss does have an impact on people and now know it's not a uncommon as I once thought. I see how short life is and how important memories and photos are.

I battled my depression and anxiety and although I do still have the odd anxious day I'm proud of who I have become. I used to be that person who would take anything that was thrown at me and say nothing because I didn't want to upset others, anything for an easy life, that's not me anymore, I don't fly off the handle at little things but if I think something should be said I say it now and I feel better for being like this, I have faught the hardest fight any mother can face and any war after that will be a drop in the ocean, you can't spend your whole life trying to make others happy you have to be happy too otherwise what is the point.

If you love someone tell them, they may not be here tomorrow so don't wait, if you don't like someone stay away from them, why fill your life with ill feeling, if you can help someone then do.

Most importantly life your life for you and the ones you love, those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter. Xxxx

Keeping pushing through everyone it's worth it

Judgment, misunderstanding, carelessness and pity not needed

Since become and angel mum I have been pleasantly surprised as well as shocked and disgusted with how other behave towards angel parents.

I am in a few support groups online for bereavement after the loss of a child, the people in these groups are incredible, some of the most caring and courageous people I have ever had the pleasure to speak to and interact with, these people have an understanding way beyond most others.

Unfortunately as with light the opposite is dark the same can be said for people, I have seen people treated awfully following for loss of their little ones, people blamed for what happened, people hurt because of the mindlessness of others. I have seen people being complained about for posting pictures of their angels, people's thoughtless family members making comments without thinking that leave bereaved parents feelings their angels are forgotten. Judgements passed by people who are nothing to do with the situation or people involved.

As an angel parent myself I can say we don't need this at all, we already judge and question ourselves more than enough, if you are genuinely interested in finding out an angel parents story then ask them.
When someone ask how many grandchildren, nephews or nieces you have include our angels they are still our children, do not ever try to place blame at an angel parents feet for the nightmare they have found themselves in, put yourself in there shoes, in my case I watched my daughter take her final breaths in my arms knowing neither I nor the medical team could do anything for her, so for me if I even think someone is saying anything against it I see red.

Angel parents are strong caring people who don't need blame, judgement or pity just a little understanding and support from time to time.

Princess winters story

I lay this morning still and awake thinking of winter and I decided to write a story to put on the memorial page for her so I thought I'd share it.

The butterfly princess

Once upon a time there were 2 people who dreamt of having a baby, they dreamt this same dream for a long time although after years of trying this dream seemed out of reach until one day to their surprise 2 lines appeared and their dream became a reality.

They were so excited and guessing started as to whether they would have a little Prince or princess, one of them was convinced they would have a prince and after waiting a long 16 weeks they went to see there dream with there own eyes to see if they should prepare for a prince or indeed a princess. After the nervous wait to find out it was confirmed a princess was on the way everyone was so excited and it came time to think of a name for the Princess that till this moment had been known as bubba, names were suggested and decided against until they stumbled upon the most beautiful one Winter Scarlett Hutchinson it seemed so perfect.

More weeks went by and the excitement grow, excitment to meet the little princess, hold her, see how beautiful she was. During the coming weeks lots of things needed sorting, all the little princesses things needed buying, practical things she would need and beautiful robes to dress her in.

On April 2nd 2015 the time had finally come to head to the hospital, finally they were going to hold in their arms the dream they had long for and desired, it was a nervous wait but finally it was our turn, both scared and excited they where taken into a big room and she was prepared for the surgery about to take place, now this surgery didn't go as smoothly as she had expected and both of them experienced fear they had never felt before, complications arouse that needed sorting after the Princess had arrived and the scariest part of all was the Princess as she wasn't breathing as she should have been, they both waited anxiously with her laying on the bed head turned as far to where the Princess was as possible, in the end the Princess was fine, maybe she wanted to make her entrance as memorable as possible.

They both got to hold there beautiful princess wrapped in blankets and a little pink hat, they were now mummy and daddy finally, mummy thought princess winter looked like a caterpillar wrapped up like that and she beamed with happiness as she saw daddy cradle Prince winter in his arms and look down on her with such pride and admiration. After an extended stay in the hospital mummy and daddy got to take princess winter home to her palace and visitors came from far and wide to say how beautiful she was, and she was, she had loads of dark hair and a cute button nose, she was perfect in everyway.

Finally back at the palace their dream had come true, they were going to love happily ever after and they did for 5 weeks and 4 days.

Now not all fairytales have a happy ending and unfortunately this was one of those, on the morning of may 11th 2015 thr palace awoke to find the Princess not herself, she was cold, tired and didn't want to eat, mummy and daddy decided a trip.to the doctors for the Princess was in order, after daddy went to work mummy got dressed and got princess winter dressed too and headed out to see the doctor, we waited for the doctor and the fear inside mummy grew, something was very wrong princess winter was not breathing as she should be, mummy thought to herself I bet later tonight I'll laugh at the scare this little princess is giving me, within mins this perfect dream turned into the worst nightmare. In mummy's arms she felt the Princess was not breathing anymore, she lifted the Princess up to her face and has never felt fear that gripped her entire body until then, everyone rushed around and took the Princess away to help her.

After what felt like a lifetime we were moved from the doctors onto an ambulance to rush the Princess to the hospital, daddy was rushing back from work to be by the Princesses side. The time in the hospital was a blur of confusion, people running around, saying to many things to follow, mummy's fear continued to grow as she felt this dream they longed for was once again slipping away, daddy arrived as they were telling mummy the bad news, they had tried so hard but they could not save the little princess and told mummy and daddy they would need to say goodbye, now goodbyes are never easy I know but this particular goodbye was the hardest of both their lives, they held princess winter on their arms, gave her all the kisses they could, begged and pleaded with her not to leave them but she could not stay any longer.

Lots of people came to the hospital and gathered in a room around the beautiful princess winter who lay in a beautiful crib, an awful sadness filled the entire room, people hugged and cried they all spent some time with the beautiful princess giving her their last cuddles and kisses.

As the weeks passed the pain remained but the day to say one final goodbye to the Princess arrived, people all over the world showed their support lighting candles, people knew the name winter scarlett Hutchinson across the globe and this offered a little bit of comfort to mummy and daddy, princess winter came into the church in her daddy's arms and he laid her at the front where she would remain as people talked about what an amazing little princess winter was, everyone wept and some candles were lit.

After the church daddy had to be strong once more time as in his arms lay a beautiful princess on the way to her forever bed.

Winter scarlett Hutchinson was a real princess and loved by so many, people think of her still often and mummy decided she was now a butterfly, a butterfly princess.

If I could hold you one more time

If I could hold you one more time I would never put you down again, never take my eyes off of you for a single second.
If I could hold you one more time I would place a million kisses upon your face, keep you warm in my embrace.
If I could hold you one more time I would tell you everything I want you to know, how I love you more than words can say and promise I would never let you go.
If I could hold you one more time knowing now what I didn't know then the moment would be so much more precious than anything I could have ever imagined.
When I hold you one more time we will be together and the pain will end, we will stay together from them.

I miss you so much it hurts sometimes, kisses to heaven my little Winnie. Xxx

What fighting for winter means to me

i started this blog back in October 2015, the first pregnancy and infant loss awareness month since losing my little Winnie.
For me I wanted to talk openly and honestly about my experience as I feel it is still pretty much a taboo subject and I personally believe it shouldn't be, as I carried my blog on over the last nearly year and a half I have found that it helps me to deal with thoughts and feelings I have by writing them down, I hope it also helps others when they read it in some small way.
In my heart I felt something positive has to come out of such a horrendous experience and that is way I want to help others also walking this path. I continue to visit the bereavement suite where Winnie was so carefully looked after for 3 weeks between passing and being tucked into her forever bed, this also helps me, I like the staff there to know I haven't forgotten them and how amazing they all were at such an unbearable time, I like to take donations up to them to in the hope that it can help them to continue on thier good work easier.

This blog isn't just for me it is for winter, for everyone that has had to somehow make it through this journey which is never ending, I am always happy to help give support to anyone that needs it and have left details of both the Facebook and Instagram I run alongside this blog.

Instagram:- @fightingforwinter
Facebook:- break the silence and ask about our children.

I feel sharing my experience has been very helpful for me and would encourage anyone that thinks it might help them to give it a go, publicly or privately whatever suits you best, we all have to find our own way of dealing with what we feel. I still have hard days don't get me wrong, days when I'm angry or just want to cry but I'm getting there and you all will too xxx

An emptiness that will never be filled

For 6 years I longed to get pregnant and month after month it was a crushing disappointment before a realisation that it was never going to happen, just as I gave up hope Winter came along to show me you should never give up. When I found out I was pregnant I couldn't believe it at first and that was followed by an insane amount of joy, excitement and pure happiness, when Winnie was born and I held her in my arms I felt so full of happiness I could burst. Then it happened the awful day we lost our caterpillar my heart broke and I have never felt emptiness quite like it, the pain is immense and trying to explain it to someone who has never felt it is an impossible task. The emptiness feels like someone has smashed their hand into your chest and pull a massive chunk of your heart away with them, nothing can repaired this damage, fill the empty gap in my chest. My life is going ok at the moment but despite being happy I still have this feeling of emptiness and I have now resided myself to the fact it will never go away, will never be filled, it's a space that waits for us to reunite.

Random thoughts of you

Sometimes out of the blue I can suddenly be consumed with random thoughts of you, thought of what could have been, thoughts of what you looked like smelt like and things you did. The way you hiccuped all the time when I was pregnant and when you were here, the way you always slept with your mouth wide open, the little way you used to hold you mouth in one position that I named the 'ohhh face' once you did it for so long I couldn't stop laughing. Although these random thoughts can bring with them a sting of pain they also give me comfort and joy, I'll always remember everything about you, especially how beautiful and prescious you were. Many people say their children are gifts but you my caterpillar was a gift from heaven sadly one they wanted back before I was ready to let you go.

5 weeks and 4 days in my arms but a lifetime in my heart, love you to the moon and back Winnie xxx

Be proud of yourself

At the time our little ones leave us we are broken beyond what anyone that hasn't experienced this could understand but we fight, we fight to carry on, to get up the next day knowing your little one is no longer with you. To live life after your little Ines life has ended is probably the biggest challenger you will face in your entire life, each day gets a little bit easier and the fact that you have made it through is something you should be so proud of especially managing to live your life without being bitter about what you have lost.

All angel parents are stronger than any fighter this earth has ever known.

It may feel like the end but keep fighting

Stood in A&E I can see my daughter laid still on the bed and the masses of people around her are no longer hurrying about they are now still, a lady is stood in front of me telling they can't do anymore, I can't hear her words properly just myself repeatedly shouting "no" behind her I see winters father enter the room and my shouting is then to him "please make them do something please" then I hit the floor and I say to him "I don't want to be here without her, I don't to be here anymore". At that moment I felt like my life was over, I couldn't carry on, I saw no way forward from that moment in time, saw nothing in front of me worth carrying on for.

I tried to be as strong as I could but after my marriage failed I broke down a bit, I agreed for my older children to live with their dad as I didn't feel strong enough to give them the life they deserved, I gave my marriage another try and tried to make it work but 9 months after losing my baby girl my marriage was over fully, I felt I had nothing left, my beautiful girl was gone, my older girls had gone to their dads and my marriage had failed, I felt hopeless and tried to take my life, luckily it didn't work and I survived to carry on fighting. Nearly a year after I am still here, I am the best I have been since losing my little baby girl, I have a new partner who is amazing, he offers me all the support in the world and is so understanding to the pain I have been through.

Please please anyone who feels they have lost everything and there is nothing to carry on for believe me there is, it doesn't have to be the end it can be a new beginning, learn every lesson hard times teach you and go on to be a better person than you have ever been before, you'll have more understanding to others than you ever believed you could do.

Never struggle alone reach out even if it's to someone you don't know, talk about how you feel and accept help from others, live on for your little ones.

I've said before and I'll always say it again please anyone who doesn't know where to turn I am always here, email me, message me on here, on instagram anywhere just done feel alone.

Email:- leadhutch@icloud.com
Instagram:- fightingforwinter
Facebook:- break the silence and ask about our children

My Winnie grew wings and flew among the star

When we lost our Winnie we had more contact with a cpl I knew of but didn't really know, they also lost a little one and after losing him started their own business making custom minifigs, well last December we received a message from this amazing cpl letting us know that they had made a winter minifig and that the astronaught tim peake would be taking Winnie's minifigs as well as a few others with him up to the space station, I cried so much upon hearing this, firstly because it's such a thoughtful thing for them to do and also I am aware that astronaughts only have a very small amount of space to take items with them onto the space station so the fact Tim peak took our little Winnie meant so much.

A couple of nights ago winters father sent me a picture of the Minifig that had been sent into space and with it was this writing.

"This custom made mini figure of Winter Scarlett Hutchinson travelled to space with britains first official astronaught major tim peak on the 15th December 2015. She remained in space aboard the international space station for more than 187 days and travelled over 79,970,000 miles.

For 187 days the view was of unimaginable beauty and a world without any distinguishable borders or division. For those 187 days she was a star in the sky, seen by people all over the world when they looked to the heavens at night"

For someone that enjoys star gazing and often likes to watch the space station fly over this made my heart feel like it was going to burst, I have always felt little Winnie achieved more in her short time upon this earth than most of us ever will do but this just showed me that yet again, my beautiful little caterpillar flying aboard the space station couldn't make me any prouder at all.

Love you to the moon and back my amazing, beautiful, strong baby girl xxx

Proud angel parent

tonight as I'm sat on this train on my way home from work I've found myself thinking about how proud I am of my angel daughter, she will never know that she touched more people in her life of 5 weeks and 4 days than I could ever hope too. Not only people that met her but people far and wide fell in love with her beaming smile as shared her story. The total number of readers on this blog has not reached 12,412 and these readers span the globe. The impact my little Winnie has had on my life is beyond words as is the pride I feel when I think of her, I hope she is up there thinking to herself  'wow all these people know about me' our heartache has reached thousands of people and I hope and prey that it helps other families too. Winter has defiantly made me a better version of myself, I am no longer oblivious to how often people loss children, no longer oblivious to the incredible work done by the amazing staff in the bereavement suite.

Winter I am so proud of you my baby girl.

We are still mothers

Sometimes it can be hard to lose site of the fact that we are still mothers to the children we have lost, we still have a responsibility to our children even they their foot steps can't be heard, we still make their beds, their forever beds need love and care, we think about our children no longer with us no less than a mother who holds her child's hand walking down the street. We still recognise our children's birthdays and plan how best to approach the day in a fitting way, we have out little ones memories whatever they maybe to each of us, clothes, photos, teddies, locks of hair, hand prints, foot prints and we treasure these as we know unfortunately we can't make more memories. Out love doesn't fade as time goes on, out love and the responsibility we have for a our angel children will always always remain. We may not hold our children in our arms but we never release them from our hearts, we take them everywhere we go day in and day out we try to make our children proud.

Anger is a normal emotion

Of all the emotions I go through as a bereaved mother anger is the one where I find myself having to remind myself this is normal!

Probably about a week ago now I was laying in bed and as on many occasions before winter popped into my head, this can then lead to many thoughts, feelings and memories but this particular night I'm thinking back on I felt angry, angry that this happened to me, angry at how unfair it was, after a few seconds I felt annoyed with myself for feeling like this and then I start to wonder 'am I losing the plot'  this is when I have to remind myself this is normal it's all part of healing properly, we have to allow ourselves to feel whatever we are feeling, don't shut thoughts out, feel every emotion and most importantly never feel we are wrong for doing so.

Anticipation is always worse than the day itself

I've not posted since before xmas, anyone that follows my blog knows I was not looking forward to Christmas and waking up for the 2nd year running with my baby girl. Well Christmas came and went the same as it did last year, I survived again and to be fair I had a great day, I was so anxious about how the day would be, how I would feel but Christmas Eve was actually the harder day of the 2 as I was worrying about how I was going to be. I'd like to think that come Christmas 2017 I will be more relaxed on the run up to it but probably not hey.

Christmas morning I went with my partner to the church where I had winters funeral and lit some candles for her, as I did this I though of a few other angels I know of too, the vicar said they could put winters candles onto the alter and they could stay there for the day, she kindly offered to say a prayer with us, as I am not religious myself I decided against this but felt the offer was very touching. After the church we went up to see Winnie at her forever bed for a bit too.

Spending Christmas morning this way leads you sometimes to have a few quiet moments thinking this isn't right, I should be at home right now building her toys she got from santa, trying to control the mayhem and start Christmas dinner, standing in the doorway watching her play with the biggest smile on my face, unfortunately at the same time knowing this is how your Christmas mornings will be from now on as I feel someone needs to be with her Christmas morning, I can't stand the idea of no one visiting her that day.

I hope everyone else found enough peace to get through this Christmas too.