My light went out

Winnie when you arrived I was so happy, I loved you more than words can say from the very moment I found out you were on the way, the time we had was short but how very precious it was, I loved our night time feeds, bath times were great, you were an amazing bright light I never expected would come on. The day you left me winnie that light went out, people say your still here but things aren't the same without all your stuff about, winnie I feel empty and although there are so many supportive people alround I feel alone sometimes and like I'm trying to scream but nothing will come out. Sometimes I feel surrounded by blackness which is accompanied by fear, I dream of you winnie and wake up with tears. I see your little face on that fateful day and I keep asking myself "why take something so special away" I'll never get an answer, do I really want to know, you couldn't stay with mummy and daddy it was your time to go. I hurts so much my angel but I'll keep trying each day, I try to push on forwards and keep the hopeless feeling away. Winnie just know I still love you with every piece of me and one day we'll be together wrapped in each others arms us 3. I'll love u forever and you'll always be mine, my little caterpillar who grew wings and learned to fly xxxxx

Changes u don't expect

So alot happens to you when you lose a child this is very true and alot of it is what you would expect, however some of it I never expected.

Fear of crowds, like going shopping in a busy shopping centre.
Noise, I struggle with to much noice
Anxiety, I don't really like to be out of the house myself anymore.
Deep bouts of depression, this week I actually had my first time where I sat and thought 'whats the point in bothering'
Feeling like u aren't u, I've been sat before staring away, feeling as though I'm watching myself doing this.

Im 5 months along this road, when I was 4 months pregnant waiting 5 months more seemed like waiting a life time, now these last 5 months I feel I've not even been here whilst they have happened.
We are going away this weekend for a big family break in Blackpool and I can see how excited everyone is but me.......not quite so, I'm scared, I'm nervous and I tend to prefer not being round many people at the moment, thr idea of a kids disco in a hotel is making my heart pump so fast I feel faint, I can't even get calm and settled into my bed tonight. I hate the way I am at the minute. I want to be more like I used to be but I don't know she's gone.

I spend 99% of my time wanting the one thing back I know I can't have and I try to tell my self "stop this now, it can't happened, there are no answers to your questions"

I have never experienced depression properly and I would maybe some I'm slightly in denial that I am now if I'm honest, but then I sit that some morning I get up feeling empty and hopeless, if that isn't depression what is?

What is depression? What is anxiety?
Why me? Why us? Why winnie?

The importance of photos, frozen memories

I look at your photos and see your face but I'm not sure what I feel anymore, when u were here I took photos all the time and as you slept I'd look through my phone at these photos and beam, thr joy I felt to look at those was hard to put into words, I printed out loads even in the short time you where here. I took these photos with such pride and care knowing these were precious memories I'd keep forever, I didn't realise as I clicked the shutter just how important every photo I was taking would really be. Every photo I look at of you now fill me with such a mix of emotions and so much frustration, agony and aching for what could have been all the additional memories that should have followed photos that will never get to be taken. I treasure the photos I had the chance to take but to look at them can cause so much pain, looking at a constant reminder of who is missing.
I want to say to anyone reading this who has little babies, little children, take out your camera, take photos lots and lots of photos.
Although my photos hurt to look at sometimes I know I am greatful for every smile, funny face and peaceful sleep frozen in time.

Remembering hurts but forgetting would hurt more

After the bereavement suite, after the funeral, the burial, the wake life must carry on, you try to get up each day and keep going spurred on by the love and support of others around you. Things can be harder to do now than they used to be. A simple shopping trip can drive you to tears, busy places are to much to cope with, you find yourself on a cocktail of medication to carry on trying to life some kind of normal life. People say time heals all wounds but this is a wound that will never heal but you now have to learn how to live your life with it instead. You never asked for this, never wanted it, it's unfair and so unkind but it's your life now and you have to decided where to go from here, what direction will you take? Will you fight with every ounce of strength you can muster to try and carry on? Will you try and do something to help others suffering the same dreadful fate? No one can tell you what to do or how to do it it's up to you now.

Funerals, fear and sadness

I've not wrote much on here lately as I've taken a downward turn but here we go...

The day before the funeral was hard I had to get an emergency doctors appointment as I could feel myself shaking, I felt dizzy and sick I felt like I couldn't breath or even think, the doctors gave me some diazepam to help calm me down. On thr day of the funeral we went up to the chapel or rest, I spent my last little bit of time adjusting Winters hat and making sure she was wrapped properly, she looked so peaceful, I made sure she had everything with her I felt she needed, I kissed her loads, others came in to say their final goodbyes and eventually it was time to leave. I never imagined how hard it  would be to sit in a car following the my daughter tiny coffin, it didn't feel real I just wanted this all to end and be wrong at the church I can remember not wanting to look at people and just crying and crying, I couldnt read the poem I had for winter as I couldn't get the words to leave my body, my best friend gemma stood up and did this for me instead. My husband chris did our caterpillar proud standing and talking from the heart, I can't say much about the funeral as I still can't bring myself to think about it, what I will say Is I am so greatful for the support we had from friends and family and for the donations given for the bereavement suite.
The day after the funeral I went with my friend gemma to get some little bits for winnie's forever bed including a lantern and candle to leave burning up there, we went up to the cemetery and it was so sunny and warm, we took a bottle of pink bubbly and some glasses, we stayed for at least 2 hrs (I was sunburnt when I got home). I didn't really want to leave but I knee I couldn't stay there.

Im not going to write anymore today I'm not in a good place to be thinking back but wanted to post a little something today in remembrance for winter.

15th October pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Light a candle and just for a minute of your time think good thoughts for all the little angels watching over their families from a far please x

Flowers and funerals

A few things you never think about when your pregnant is flowers and funerals, why would you, your bring a life into the world not saying goodbye to one, for some of us the 2 things run to close together, I should have been buying pretty summer dresses and flowers for Winter's hair instead I'm flicking through a broucher about funeral flowers. Now most of the time when you approach this job you have an idea what said person liked, favourite songs, colours, flowers those kind of thing but when the person you have to say goodbye to is someone that's never uttered the word hello it's different. For our little Winnie we opted for a beautiful pink and purple butterfly with the quote "just when the caterpillar thought the world was over she turned into a beautiful butterfly" on it. We picked a baby pink coffin and I placed her car hanger saying "little lady on board" onto it. We asked that no one wore black we wanted as much colour and as many butterflies as possible, we asked people to donate to the bereavement suite at the childrens hospital to help them with costs for things like handprints, casts of hands and feet and all the amazing work they do there.

People may sympathise with the loss but not be aware of what follows

You baby has gone and with her went all the hopes and dreams you had for her future, as the days went on after Winter passed I took many trips to the bereavement suite to spend time with my little caterpillar (that's what I liked to call her) it was hard, it was heartbreaking but all those visits to her where important, having thr time for me to hold my beautiful daughter, to still be able to talk her and kiss her was so special, I took an outfit up for her I wanted her to wear and her snuggle blanket for her to be wrapped in, on Wednesday 13th I contacted a charity called remember my baby, the service they provide is amazing, they send out a volunteer photographer who takes memorial photos for parents to be able to keep, I'll not be sharing these as Chris does not want to them which I can understand. I meet with the doctor who preformed the postmortem and my dad held my hand as we discussed what they found, they said they were waiting on some test results as they suspected and infection in her heart, we also had to wait whilst an investigation was looking into everything leading up to that morning and every involved that morning. I don't know how I would have got through that first week with my dad, my friend gemma, Chris's sister and my husband chris. Eventually I knew I had to inform people what had happened further than family so I sat and wrote thr hardest Facebook status I had ever wrote, I cried as I wrote it. I also decided as I had joined a group for people due in April I should tell the girls in there and leave the group, the support I got from these amazing people made me change my mind and I am still in the group to this day and I love seeing there little ones grow up. I shut myself away from some people I didn't want to answer the phone or txts, I couldnt focus on anything but me and Chris and getting through as best we could. One day after spending time with my angel I decided to go to see the flourist who did the flowers for our wedding, I asked them to do winnie's flowers it seemed like the right thing to do, I arranged for Chris's sisters mother in law to take my wedding dress and cut it up to make a beautiful wrap to wrap my angel in forever more. There wonderful ladies at the bereavement suite told me winnie could stay there with them until the day of the funeral, I was pleased as I trusted them and felt the support fron them was so helpful. These ladies are true unsung hero's within the NHS, the made prints and casts of winnie's hands and feet for me to keep.

The next few weeks was so hard, lots of cuddle with my angel and lots to sort. In my next post I'll start to discuss the heartache of arranging flowers and a funeral for a child you carried and lived with ur whole heart.

The day after you wake from next to no sleep wishing it was all a night mare

After a night of next to no sleep, I open my eyes and for a split second I don't remember and then it hits you like the biggest punch to the stomach "my baby girl died yesterday" I can remember the next morning sitting at the dinning table at Chris's parents house (we could face going back to our house and waking up in our room with winnie in her moses basket) I sat at the table and went through the memory the bereavement suite had given us, it was so beautiful with lovely things inside like a certificate of life, forget me not seeds and a little angel amongst other things. I had no idea what I do next, I had to wait for a visit from the doctor and then I went back to the hospital, it was so hard walking into a room knowing you were going to see your daughter but knowing she was gone, I hugged her, kissed her, cried and told her how much I loved her. It was so hard seeing how much my dad was hurting too, even just thinking back to seeing his face that day as he held her makes me tear up. People that haven't been through it won't understand what that day holds for you, all the questions and forms that need filling in, for the postmortem and if you are prepared to allow certain samples to be used for research (which I did in the hope it may stop at least one more family go through this). I can't remember how long I stayed at the hospital that day but I remember the heart wrenching feeling still when once again I had to leave my little baby behind and go home. The staff at thr bereavement are amazing and I can never thank them enough for all their help, they changed my beautiful girl into the outfit I picked for her and tried their best to make such a hard experience as easy as possible for thr family.

That's it for this installment but I'll post more soon, one finally thing to say on this one is, if you know anyone going through please please don't avoid mentioning or talking about their angel, show them u remember their baby and they are important.

Men should not be silent either

As my husband chris rightly pointed out men do sometimes struggle to speak out more than women. Chris has asked me of I'll allow him to post on here regarding this so watch this space for Chris's guest spot

The day life changed and my normal was gone

The photo on the post was taken at about 20.30 on Sunday 10th may, I didn't know at the time it would be the last photo I would have my little Winter alive.
From the minute I woke on 11th I was concerned, Winter wouldn't even try feeding, she was sleepy, her hands were cold and I could just tell she wasn't herself. I decided a call to the doctor was in order. I kissed my husband goodbye and told him I'd let him know what the doctors said. A quick call ended with them asking me to take Winter into the surgery so they could see what was going on, I didn't even get her dressed, I changed her nappy wrapped her up and put her in her pram, she slept the quick walk to the doctors. A few minutes after being in the doctors I could tell something wasn't right, she seemed like she was trying to cry but couldn't, I mentioned my concerns to the receptionist, within minutes of our conversation I felt fear like never before as Winter went limp in my arms and I left her to my face I could tell she wasn't breathing, they rushed her into a room and as the door closed I could see them working on her.
As I write this I'm trying hard not to let myself go back there for too long, not to see to much.
As the doctors worked on Winter behind that door I felt lost and hopeless in the hallway, frantically ringing someone to come and be with me, the hardest call was to my husband having to tell him we were waiting for an ambulance and that his beautiful daughter wasn't breathing broke me inside. I collapsed on the floor in that hallway and curled up towards the wall I begged, I pleaded, I prayed to please let her be OK, my sister in law came up to the doctors to be with me and they put us in a room to wait for ambulance, I had the worst feeling ever, like I knew Winter wad going to go, I couldnt keep her.
I couldn't get in the back of the ambulance, I tried but I couldn't see my beautiful tiny baby girl being worked on, they put me in the front of the ambulance and I'll never forgot that journey, the sirens where so loud, even now hearing an ambulance can take me right back to that journey. At the time sitting in the ambulance I never thought that day could get worse but it was just starting.
In the hospital I was sat on a chair and at thr other side of the room a team of people fought to save Winter, there were so many people I couldn't even see my little girl, a lady sat with me and went through what had happened leading up to the point Winter stopped breathing. I kept asking her "will she be OK" the response was always the same "we are doing everything we can", she kept asking if I wanted to go closer but I couldn't my body or maybe my mind would not let me. I don't know how much time past but I can remember a female doctor broke from the crowd around Winters bed and walked towards me, I know it was over, I know they could do no more and I honestly can't remember a word that doctor said to me but I can remember just screaming "no" at her over and a over again, as I turned my back to her I sawy husband walk in qnd I ran to him, I hugged him and I begged him " please make them do something please please" on thing I can remeber saying clear as day to him is "I don't want to be here without her" I fell to the floor and he held me as we both cried, I said "I want my dad, I need my dad" and then the lady doctor came back again and asked us to be with Winter, together we held her as she took her final breaths, I asked her over and over not to go, we kissed her and told her how loved she was as she drifted away.
I phoned my dad a few times, I found his his partner Sandra and I could work out how to say it, I think I said something like "I need dad to come up here to me. Shes gone, please ask dad to come".
Between myself and my husband chris we contacted people and let them know and asked them to inform others, I called my best friend and Winters godmother gemma, I could do it and helen my friend had to finish the call, Chris called our friends John and Claire Winters God parents and they made their way to the hospital too. We were put into a room to wait where slowly Chris's family started to arrive, his mum, his dad, sisters and there partners. We had to wait now to talk to the police and head to the bereavement suite, my husband was so brave and strong he carried our sleeping angel through the hospital and into the bereavement suite he laid her into the beautiful wooden crib that awaited us and then fell to the floor, it's hard to see someone you love break like that and know you can't say anything to make it better.
John and Claire arrived at the bereavement suite to say there goodbyes and one image I will never forget is seeing Claire stand there holding Winter kissing her goodbye with her beautiful baby bump, I often wonder if little Ella had a sense something was going on. We had winter blessed that day by the hospital Chaplin. I felt like my life has lost meaning like it wad pointless to breath anymore, pointless to eat or sleep. 

This is were things start to get blurry for me so I apologise, I wanted this to be the most in depth post I write but I'm losing it to be honest so I'll end this post there and pick it up on the next post, remembering all the details is very draining.

Continuing the worst day

I know Saying goodbye to someone so precious is hard, but unless you have been there you don't understand what is involved not just doctors and medical professionals asking you questions but the police too, collecting your beautiful baby's clothes, last nappy, going to your house to take temperature readings, photographs of where you angel once slept. Your in shock. Overwhelmed with emotion and all this commotion is going on around you. In the bereavement suite I can remember my husband, my mother in law, my father in law, my dad and Sandra, both sisters in law and there partners, helen was there and John and Claire and my little baby Winter was laid in a crib, I don't know how long we stayed but I can remember my last cuddle that day and not wanting to put her down, not wanting to leave that hospital without her. I can remember going back to Chris's parents in the car with dad and Sandra but a lot of after that is a blur. I know I didn't want to answers texts or calls, gemma arrived later that evening. One thing I do remember is trying to go to bed that night, I lay in bed with my husband hold one of winnie's vests and as I let slumber take over I was jolted awake when I swear I heard her cry, we ended up getting out of bed and stayed on the sofa instead, I hardly slept, all I wanted was to have my baby girl in my arms and never feel pain like that again.
This post is short as I end that night and get ready to prepare myself to start thinking back to what comes after that day as it's a long journey that angel parents walk and saying goodbye is just thr start.

The most natural thing in the world became a memory that filled me with pain

One thing I struggled with was not feeding my daughter anymore, I tried so hard to make sure I breastfed Winter and was never willing to give in. After she grew her wings I was in so much pain as my mind knew she was gone but my body didn't, my body was still producing her milk to sustain her. I was given tablets to aid with this to help the milk dry up but that didn't help my mind, all I wanted to do was feed my little girl, I missing feeding times so much, it's like a punch in the gut. Night feeds are the ones I miss the most, I used to stare at her whilst she was feeding and just think how lucky I was.

End the silence

October is miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss awareness month. Everyone should feel able to speak openly about their experiences without worrying what others may say or think. The awful pain we go through is enough on its own with feeling the need to bottle things up. My little winter will always be talked about as she is and will always be such a massive part of my life. I wish the UK viewed October 15th in the same way the us seem to.

Fighting the great fight

Today I fight, fight like a boxer fighting for his championship but tonight I'll maybe crumble and weep again, does this make me weak? Some say it's makes me strong.

I am currently fighting the hardest fight I've ever had to face. Myself and my husband chris spent 6 long draining yrs trying to conceive and in July 2014 I had surgery that diagnosed stage 4 endometriosis, my ovaries and bowel were found to be attached to the back of my uterus, before we could look at any treatment it finally happen 18th August 2014 I found I was pregnant, we were over joyed and a little nervous. My pregnancy was pretty uneventful really as pregnancies go.
April 2nd 2015 we welcome our amazing daughter winter into the world, she had a massive amount of dark hair and she was heart stoppingly beautiful. Winters birth was not as smooth as I would have liked, my bladder got torn and I ended up with a catheter for 2 weeks but it was a small price to pay for such a miracle. Unfortunately our time in paradise was short lived when on Monday 11th may 2015 winter sadly passed away and devastation like I've never known hit our family out of the blue. October is miscarriage, stillbirth and infant awareness month so throughout the month in honour of the end the silence campaign I will post blogs of my experience and hope it encourages more people to talk openly about there own experiences.