Changes u don't expect

So alot happens to you when you lose a child this is very true and alot of it is what you would expect, however some of it I never expected.

Fear of crowds, like going shopping in a busy shopping centre.
Noise, I struggle with to much noice
Anxiety, I don't really like to be out of the house myself anymore.
Deep bouts of depression, this week I actually had my first time where I sat and thought 'whats the point in bothering'
Feeling like u aren't u, I've been sat before staring away, feeling as though I'm watching myself doing this.

Im 5 months along this road, when I was 4 months pregnant waiting 5 months more seemed like waiting a life time, now these last 5 months I feel I've not even been here whilst they have happened.
We are going away this weekend for a big family break in Blackpool and I can see how excited everyone is but me.......not quite so, I'm scared, I'm nervous and I tend to prefer not being round many people at the moment, thr idea of a kids disco in a hotel is making my heart pump so fast I feel faint, I can't even get calm and settled into my bed tonight. I hate the way I am at the minute. I want to be more like I used to be but I don't know she's gone.

I spend 99% of my time wanting the one thing back I know I can't have and I try to tell my self "stop this now, it can't happened, there are no answers to your questions"

I have never experienced depression properly and I would maybe some I'm slightly in denial that I am now if I'm honest, but then I sit that some morning I get up feeling empty and hopeless, if that isn't depression what is?

What is depression? What is anxiety?
Why me? Why us? Why winnie?