A question I will not be able to answer, so what do I want that I can't have? I want the old me back, the me that had never felt before the kind of pain that losing a child brings, the me that didn't have the same repetitive nightmare over and over again, the me that didn't have to worry about anxiety that also brought hypersensitivity to sound with it to the point that someone squeaking a chair around me made me want to actually hurt them, led me to get so anxious I would scratch at my own skin, not just that though, I also want my little girl back, my little 5 weeks girl back in my arms where she should be and all the firsts that had been stolen from me, I want them too! Beyond that I want the chance to have my rainbow baby, something I know is totally out of the question for me unless I want to risk my own and an unborn babies life, it hurts that I mourn the loss of my beautiful winter and also the loss of any chance to carry a rainbow baby.
In 2014 I was diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis, I was told my ovaries and my bowel were attaches to the back wall of my uterus and the pouch of Douglas, it turned out during my c section my bladder got torn as we were unaware that it was attached to a tiny part at the front of my uterus, after my c section my surgeon informed me that to carry again would be very dangerous due to how thing my uterus was, it wad thin the the point it was see through, the surgeon could see winter through it and to carry again could lead to my uterus rupturing and that could call time on myself and an unborn child. At the time of being told this I was ok, I had my precious miracle that I never thought I would get so I was as happy as a pig in muck, little did I know this would only last 5 weeks and that 14 months on I would cry myself to sleep feeling that my body had completely failed me, every pain I now get fron the endometriosis is like a constant reminder to me of what I will never be able to do again.
I'm not stupid though, I know I have a lot to be greatful for, I have my 2 older children, great family and friends but does that make the pain of losing winter any less? Does it ease the ache I feel at wanting another baby? No not at all!
Friday, 8 July 2016
In the dead of night
At night when I can't sleep Winter is my first thought, a thousand thoughts flood my mind, did she suffer? Did she know what was happening? Did she realise mummy wasn't strong enough to get closer to her as they worked on her? That last question will always haunt me, they put her in the back of the ambulance and as they worked on her I tried to get in the back with her and I couldn't, I couldn't see her tiny little body like that, I hate myself for not being closer to her, a small part of me has an awful feeling like she felt well if your not strong enough neither am I and maybe if I had got in there with her she would have felt it easier to fight.
I lay staring at the ceiling thinking about this and also about holding her in my arms at the hospital as she took her lasts breaths and even though we had been told nothing could be done I spoke to her begging her not to go, I kissed her head repeatedly telling her how much I loved her and praying for a miracle, praying for her to prove all these doctors wrong and thinking one day when she is older I'll tell her about this, about how amazingly strong she was to beat the odds.
These thoughts swirl around in my head less like memories and more like an old home movie on a constant loop with bits missing, it'll be jumpy at times and blurry where I can't quite remember little things, I can remember all the sounds and the smells and the feelings I felt that day, I have never felt anything so raw or so deeply d hope to God I never do again. All I can really hope is all the answers to these questions are no, no she didn't suffer, no she didn't know what was happening and most of all no she didn't realise that I wasn't closer to her or strong enough to be.
I'll never forget that whole day or the weeks that followed but I will try to stop blaming myself certain things that happened that day as I have already been told given if we were in hospital before anything started they couldn't have done anything at all
I lay staring at the ceiling thinking about this and also about holding her in my arms at the hospital as she took her lasts breaths and even though we had been told nothing could be done I spoke to her begging her not to go, I kissed her head repeatedly telling her how much I loved her and praying for a miracle, praying for her to prove all these doctors wrong and thinking one day when she is older I'll tell her about this, about how amazingly strong she was to beat the odds.
These thoughts swirl around in my head less like memories and more like an old home movie on a constant loop with bits missing, it'll be jumpy at times and blurry where I can't quite remember little things, I can remember all the sounds and the smells and the feelings I felt that day, I have never felt anything so raw or so deeply d hope to God I never do again. All I can really hope is all the answers to these questions are no, no she didn't suffer, no she didn't know what was happening and most of all no she didn't realise that I wasn't closer to her or strong enough to be.
I'll never forget that whole day or the weeks that followed but I will try to stop blaming myself certain things that happened that day as I have already been told given if we were in hospital before anything started they couldn't have done anything at all
Wednesday, 6 July 2016
Never be silent when it comes to your angle
My main reason for starting this blog as you know was to try and end the silence that surrounds pregnancy and infant loss, I've told you my story and will continue to do so as I continue down the long road I'm travelling but I want to encourage other to speak about their little ones too, it doesn't matter if you were 5 weeks pregnant or your baby was 5 weeks old they were your baby and if you want to talk about them you should do so, never mind worrying about it making others uncomfortable or sad, can they feel any worse than you do everyday of your life since that dreadful day? No they can't!
We go to bed and close our eyes and it's there, we get up to start our day and it's there, if you think about your little one then talk about them.
Also f
We go to bed and close our eyes and it's there, we get up to start our day and it's there, if you think about your little one then talk about them.
Also f
Memories flood back
Today I saw my niece she is only 4 weeks old and as I sat holding her alot of memories and feelings flooded back,
She lay sleeping with her mouth open and I remembered winter always slept like that I also remember this being mentioned at her final goodbye.
I was filled with a mix of emotions, proud of my beautiful little nice in my arms and at the same time sad that my arms have been empty for 14 months now, aching for the fact I know I won't get my chance to hold my own baby in my arms again due to problems I have, followed by questions in my head about whether I am really ok with this fact, it seems so unfair that a women's last chance to be a mother should be cut so short.
I looked at little Olivia and beamed with happiness at the fact she will always be watched over by winter.
She lay sleeping with her mouth open and I remembered winter always slept like that I also remember this being mentioned at her final goodbye.
I was filled with a mix of emotions, proud of my beautiful little nice in my arms and at the same time sad that my arms have been empty for 14 months now, aching for the fact I know I won't get my chance to hold my own baby in my arms again due to problems I have, followed by questions in my head about whether I am really ok with this fact, it seems so unfair that a women's last chance to be a mother should be cut so short.
I looked at little Olivia and beamed with happiness at the fact she will always be watched over by winter.
I lost my baby and then my life as I knew it
April 2015 I was a happily married mum of 3 girls, my husband and I had tried for our baby for 6yrs and finally we now had each other, jordan who at the time was 14, shannon who was 11 and little winter had joined us, at this blissfully happy time I had no idea that by this time next year I would single and have no children around me.
It's a hard adjustment to go from a full family to living in a shared house with you 2 living children 100's miles away, I'd love to tell you how I'm still standing but I can't as I have absolutely no idea myself.
I decided to take up running again, it gave me something to focus on and a way to just empty my head for a bit and think of nothing but what I wad doing at that exact moment, I was enjoying it until I decided to add other ways to work out into the mix and broke my foot, I'm currently in plaster and miss my running so much.
I'd say to anyone struggling, give running try, you don't have to run a marathon, just stick some music on and run for a bit it's definitely helped me whilst I was doing it.
I didn't just take up running I changed a few things, changed my entire diet, ran in a morning and walked in an evening, found a peaceful place I could take myself off to and just be alone with my thoughts, find a little peace of solice in your hectic mind, look after yourself first and foremost.
It's a hard adjustment to go from a full family to living in a shared house with you 2 living children 100's miles away, I'd love to tell you how I'm still standing but I can't as I have absolutely no idea myself.
I decided to take up running again, it gave me something to focus on and a way to just empty my head for a bit and think of nothing but what I wad doing at that exact moment, I was enjoying it until I decided to add other ways to work out into the mix and broke my foot, I'm currently in plaster and miss my running so much.
I'd say to anyone struggling, give running try, you don't have to run a marathon, just stick some music on and run for a bit it's definitely helped me whilst I was doing it.
I didn't just take up running I changed a few things, changed my entire diet, ran in a morning and walked in an evening, found a peaceful place I could take myself off to and just be alone with my thoughts, find a little peace of solice in your hectic mind, look after yourself first and foremost.
Today, 14months on
Today is the 6th July and last night I sat and I cried more than I have in months, realising this is never going to go, this pain and grieve will always be hiding in wait to strike me when it sees fit,
I have a box in my bedroom that used to have winters toys in it, now it contains memories like the box the Chaplin used the day of the funeral, cards from the funeral, little trinkets I have been given in winters memory those kinds of things along with the hungry caterpillar book (anyone who has read through my blog will understand the significance of this) I read that book last night and looked at the contents of that box all laid on my bed and thought, is this it? Is this what I have from those 6yrs of tears, hopes and praying to have a little baby? Why don't I have my baby? I wanted her so much and loved her so much more, why do other, people that didn't plan for their babies, people that didn't even want them, why do they have theirs? Did I do something wrong?
I lay last night and I cried, I cried because ot still hurts so much, because I still miss my winter, because I still don't understand and doubt I ever will.
I find it hard to talk to people about how I'm feeling now as in some part of me I feel like people think it's been long enough now for me not to be like this, not to be in floods of tears and have this deep aching pain inside me, I felt desperate last night as if I was spiralling out of control and didn't know how to regain my breath, my strength to pull myself back once again as I have done so many times before. Im tired, tired of saying "I'm OK" no I'm not ok and I'm not even sure I know how ok feels anymore, what I am is good at pretending I'm OK so that people will leave the questions there and I can go on pretending.
Deep down I know I will pull myself back as I'm living proof I can.
I have a box in my bedroom that used to have winters toys in it, now it contains memories like the box the Chaplin used the day of the funeral, cards from the funeral, little trinkets I have been given in winters memory those kinds of things along with the hungry caterpillar book (anyone who has read through my blog will understand the significance of this) I read that book last night and looked at the contents of that box all laid on my bed and thought, is this it? Is this what I have from those 6yrs of tears, hopes and praying to have a little baby? Why don't I have my baby? I wanted her so much and loved her so much more, why do other, people that didn't plan for their babies, people that didn't even want them, why do they have theirs? Did I do something wrong?
I lay last night and I cried, I cried because ot still hurts so much, because I still miss my winter, because I still don't understand and doubt I ever will.
I find it hard to talk to people about how I'm feeling now as in some part of me I feel like people think it's been long enough now for me not to be like this, not to be in floods of tears and have this deep aching pain inside me, I felt desperate last night as if I was spiralling out of control and didn't know how to regain my breath, my strength to pull myself back once again as I have done so many times before. Im tired, tired of saying "I'm OK" no I'm not ok and I'm not even sure I know how ok feels anymore, what I am is good at pretending I'm OK so that people will leave the questions there and I can go on pretending.
Deep down I know I will pull myself back as I'm living proof I can.
A whole year has passed without you
11th may rolls round and a full 12 months of grieving is completed, is the pain any less than it was 12 months ago? No it's just not as raw anymore.
So the 10th may I'm at work and it suddenly hits me that this day last year was the last full day I spent with winter, the last day I was carrying on as if I would have her in my life forever and I had random outbursts of tears as memories of this day came back to me.
I booked 11th may off work as did a friend of mine to be with me, I had decided not to go to winters forever bed and instead mark the day going up to the bereavement suite where she spent her last 3 weeks after she passed before the funeral, I took them blankets and hats to use for other little angels and then spent a little time in the chaple at the childrens hospital, after this I went and got a cpl of different balloons and took them up to a peaceful spot near the alpaca farm to release them for winter, it was not an easy day and leading up to this day I went back to the doctors to get diazepam to help with the bouts of panic attacks that had started to come back.
A year in most case seems like a long time but when it's a year since your child has passed away it's the strangest amount of time, in some senses it feels like a lifetime but in others it feels like a day, you still hurt, still mourn, still long for your baby back in your arms, you still want to wake up and find out its all a nightmare and none of the last year has really happened and you find yourself wondering will things ever feel different? Will I ever truly be happy again? Or will I spend the rest of my life outwardly pretending I'm OK now?
So the 10th may I'm at work and it suddenly hits me that this day last year was the last full day I spent with winter, the last day I was carrying on as if I would have her in my life forever and I had random outbursts of tears as memories of this day came back to me.
I booked 11th may off work as did a friend of mine to be with me, I had decided not to go to winters forever bed and instead mark the day going up to the bereavement suite where she spent her last 3 weeks after she passed before the funeral, I took them blankets and hats to use for other little angels and then spent a little time in the chaple at the childrens hospital, after this I went and got a cpl of different balloons and took them up to a peaceful spot near the alpaca farm to release them for winter, it was not an easy day and leading up to this day I went back to the doctors to get diazepam to help with the bouts of panic attacks that had started to come back.
A year in most case seems like a long time but when it's a year since your child has passed away it's the strangest amount of time, in some senses it feels like a lifetime but in others it feels like a day, you still hurt, still mourn, still long for your baby back in your arms, you still want to wake up and find out its all a nightmare and none of the last year has really happened and you find yourself wondering will things ever feel different? Will I ever truly be happy again? Or will I spend the rest of my life outwardly pretending I'm OK now?
Tuesday, 5 July 2016
My butterflies 1St birthday
April 2nd 2015 should have been a day for a big celebration, our little winter should have been blowing out her 1St birthday candles and instead the day was marked without her there.
So by this point myself and my husband have seperated but winters birthday will be spent with him and his family and our friends, I got up the same as any morning and got into the shower after 5 mins I couldn't cope with how I was feeling I got out of the shower and with my hair still wet took myself off to ny friends house to talk to someone to help me deal with how I was feeling, it was a peaceful day, tears and contemplation, knowing how the day should be going, filled with balloons and laughs, 1St anniversaries will always be thr hardest.
So by this point myself and my husband have seperated but winters birthday will be spent with him and his family and our friends, I got up the same as any morning and got into the shower after 5 mins I couldn't cope with how I was feeling I got out of the shower and with my hair still wet took myself off to ny friends house to talk to someone to help me deal with how I was feeling, it was a peaceful day, tears and contemplation, knowing how the day should be going, filled with balloons and laughs, 1St anniversaries will always be thr hardest.
Babies 1St Christmas without your precious baby
So Christmas rolls around as it always does only this year with alot of sorrow as you are aware you should be trying to keep a 7 month old happy whilst preparing dinner and setting the table.
My husbands parents would be away over Christmas so we had Christmas day early at their house with all the family, constantly aware that a little bundle of joy was missing.
To be honest Christmas didn't feel like Christmas at all and when I think back now I can hardly remember it, that's how much of a blur it was, my husband spent most of the day in bed upset for the daughter he never saw open her presents, we went to winters forever bed but that was pretty much it.
My husbands parents would be away over Christmas so we had Christmas day early at their house with all the family, constantly aware that a little bundle of joy was missing.
To be honest Christmas didn't feel like Christmas at all and when I think back now I can hardly remember it, that's how much of a blur it was, my husband spent most of the day in bed upset for the daughter he never saw open her presents, we went to winters forever bed but that was pretty much it.
It's been a while since I posted so a quick run down of what's happened since november may be in order.
So November started pretty much the same as most months I was still working and then boom!! My husband left me (I'll not go into why or anything like that as this blog for my journey of grieve) after this my 2 older children decided to move and live with their dad, as long as they are happy and looked after I'm OK with this, after a week myself and husband decided to give it another go, Christmas came and went it was hard I had lost my angel and this would have been her first Christmas, after Christmas came new year and the hopes got a better year than the one before, February rolled round and my marriage ended for good.
Fast forward to today, I'm struggling, my husband now lives with someone else and they have a baby on the way, all of this caused alot of emotion which I will go into deeper in seperate posts dedicated to that. I am trying my hardest to get on with things but it's so hard even 14 months later.
That's a quick catch up so I'll leave this post here and will post again in the next few days in relation to dealing with 1St anniversaries x
So November started pretty much the same as most months I was still working and then boom!! My husband left me (I'll not go into why or anything like that as this blog for my journey of grieve) after this my 2 older children decided to move and live with their dad, as long as they are happy and looked after I'm OK with this, after a week myself and husband decided to give it another go, Christmas came and went it was hard I had lost my angel and this would have been her first Christmas, after Christmas came new year and the hopes got a better year than the one before, February rolled round and my marriage ended for good.
Fast forward to today, I'm struggling, my husband now lives with someone else and they have a baby on the way, all of this caused alot of emotion which I will go into deeper in seperate posts dedicated to that. I am trying my hardest to get on with things but it's so hard even 14 months later.
That's a quick catch up so I'll leave this post here and will post again in the next few days in relation to dealing with 1St anniversaries x
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