Changes u don't expect

So alot happens to you when you lose a child this is very true and alot of it is what you would expect, however some of it I never expected.

Fear of crowds, like going shopping in a busy shopping centre.
Noise, I struggle with to much noice
Anxiety, I don't really like to be out of the house myself anymore.
Deep bouts of depression, this week I actually had my first time where I sat and thought 'whats the point in bothering'
Feeling like u aren't u, I've been sat before staring away, feeling as though I'm watching myself doing this.

Im 5 months along this road, when I was 4 months pregnant waiting 5 months more seemed like waiting a life time, now these last 5 months I feel I've not even been here whilst they have happened.
We are going away this weekend for a big family break in Blackpool and I can see how excited everyone is but me.......not quite so, I'm scared, I'm nervous and I tend to prefer not being round many people at the moment, thr idea of a kids disco in a hotel is making my heart pump so fast I feel faint, I can't even get calm and settled into my bed tonight. I hate the way I am at the minute. I want to be more like I used to be but I don't know she's gone.

I spend 99% of my time wanting the one thing back I know I can't have and I try to tell my self "stop this now, it can't happened, there are no answers to your questions"

I have never experienced depression properly and I would maybe some I'm slightly in denial that I am now if I'm honest, but then I sit that some morning I get up feeling empty and hopeless, if that isn't depression what is?

What is depression? What is anxiety?
Why me? Why us? Why winnie?

The importance of photos, frozen memories

I look at your photos and see your face but I'm not sure what I feel anymore, when u were here I took photos all the time and as you slept I'd look through my phone at these photos and beam, thr joy I felt to look at those was hard to put into words, I printed out loads even in the short time you where here. I took these photos with such pride and care knowing these were precious memories I'd keep forever, I didn't realise as I clicked the shutter just how important every photo I was taking would really be. Every photo I look at of you now fill me with such a mix of emotions and so much frustration, agony and aching for what could have been all the additional memories that should have followed photos that will never get to be taken. I treasure the photos I had the chance to take but to look at them can cause so much pain, looking at a constant reminder of who is missing.
I want to say to anyone reading this who has little babies, little children, take out your camera, take photos lots and lots of photos.
Although my photos hurt to look at sometimes I know I am greatful for every smile, funny face and peaceful sleep frozen in time.

Remembering hurts but forgetting would hurt more

After the bereavement suite, after the funeral, the burial, the wake life must carry on, you try to get up each day and keep going spurred on by the love and support of others around you. Things can be harder to do now than they used to be. A simple shopping trip can drive you to tears, busy places are to much to cope with, you find yourself on a cocktail of medication to carry on trying to life some kind of normal life. People say time heals all wounds but this is a wound that will never heal but you now have to learn how to live your life with it instead. You never asked for this, never wanted it, it's unfair and so unkind but it's your life now and you have to decided where to go from here, what direction will you take? Will you fight with every ounce of strength you can muster to try and carry on? Will you try and do something to help others suffering the same dreadful fate? No one can tell you what to do or how to do it it's up to you now.

Funerals, fear and sadness

I've not wrote much on here lately as I've taken a downward turn but here we go...

The day before the funeral was hard I had to get an emergency doctors appointment as I could feel myself shaking, I felt dizzy and sick I felt like I couldn't breath or even think, the doctors gave me some diazepam to help calm me down. On thr day of the funeral we went up to the chapel or rest, I spent my last little bit of time adjusting Winters hat and making sure she was wrapped properly, she looked so peaceful, I made sure she had everything with her I felt she needed, I kissed her loads, others came in to say their final goodbyes and eventually it was time to leave. I never imagined how hard it  would be to sit in a car following the my daughter tiny coffin, it didn't feel real I just wanted this all to end and be wrong at the church I can remember not wanting to look at people and just crying and crying, I couldnt read the poem I had for winter as I couldn't get the words to leave my body, my best friend gemma stood up and did this for me instead. My husband chris did our caterpillar proud standing and talking from the heart, I can't say much about the funeral as I still can't bring myself to think about it, what I will say Is I am so greatful for the support we had from friends and family and for the donations given for the bereavement suite.
The day after the funeral I went with my friend gemma to get some little bits for winnie's forever bed including a lantern and candle to leave burning up there, we went up to the cemetery and it was so sunny and warm, we took a bottle of pink bubbly and some glasses, we stayed for at least 2 hrs (I was sunburnt when I got home). I didn't really want to leave but I knee I couldn't stay there.

Im not going to write anymore today I'm not in a good place to be thinking back but wanted to post a little something today in remembrance for winter.

15th October pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Light a candle and just for a minute of your time think good thoughts for all the little angels watching over their families from a far please x

Flowers and funerals

A few things you never think about when your pregnant is flowers and funerals, why would you, your bring a life into the world not saying goodbye to one, for some of us the 2 things run to close together, I should have been buying pretty summer dresses and flowers for Winter's hair instead I'm flicking through a broucher about funeral flowers. Now most of the time when you approach this job you have an idea what said person liked, favourite songs, colours, flowers those kind of thing but when the person you have to say goodbye to is someone that's never uttered the word hello it's different. For our little Winnie we opted for a beautiful pink and purple butterfly with the quote "just when the caterpillar thought the world was over she turned into a beautiful butterfly" on it. We picked a baby pink coffin and I placed her car hanger saying "little lady on board" onto it. We asked that no one wore black we wanted as much colour and as many butterflies as possible, we asked people to donate to the bereavement suite at the childrens hospital to help them with costs for things like handprints, casts of hands and feet and all the amazing work they do there.

People may sympathise with the loss but not be aware of what follows

You baby has gone and with her went all the hopes and dreams you had for her future, as the days went on after Winter passed I took many trips to the bereavement suite to spend time with my little caterpillar (that's what I liked to call her) it was hard, it was heartbreaking but all those visits to her where important, having thr time for me to hold my beautiful daughter, to still be able to talk her and kiss her was so special, I took an outfit up for her I wanted her to wear and her snuggle blanket for her to be wrapped in, on Wednesday 13th I contacted a charity called remember my baby, the service they provide is amazing, they send out a volunteer photographer who takes memorial photos for parents to be able to keep, I'll not be sharing these as Chris does not want to them which I can understand. I meet with the doctor who preformed the postmortem and my dad held my hand as we discussed what they found, they said they were waiting on some test results as they suspected and infection in her heart, we also had to wait whilst an investigation was looking into everything leading up to that morning and every involved that morning. I don't know how I would have got through that first week with my dad, my friend gemma, Chris's sister and my husband chris. Eventually I knew I had to inform people what had happened further than family so I sat and wrote thr hardest Facebook status I had ever wrote, I cried as I wrote it. I also decided as I had joined a group for people due in April I should tell the girls in there and leave the group, the support I got from these amazing people made me change my mind and I am still in the group to this day and I love seeing there little ones grow up. I shut myself away from some people I didn't want to answer the phone or txts, I couldnt focus on anything but me and Chris and getting through as best we could. One day after spending time with my angel I decided to go to see the flourist who did the flowers for our wedding, I asked them to do winnie's flowers it seemed like the right thing to do, I arranged for Chris's sisters mother in law to take my wedding dress and cut it up to make a beautiful wrap to wrap my angel in forever more. There wonderful ladies at the bereavement suite told me winnie could stay there with them until the day of the funeral, I was pleased as I trusted them and felt the support fron them was so helpful. These ladies are true unsung hero's within the NHS, the made prints and casts of winnie's hands and feet for me to keep.

The next few weeks was so hard, lots of cuddle with my angel and lots to sort. In my next post I'll start to discuss the heartache of arranging flowers and a funeral for a child you carried and lived with ur whole heart.

The day after you wake from next to no sleep wishing it was all a night mare

After a night of next to no sleep, I open my eyes and for a split second I don't remember and then it hits you like the biggest punch to the stomach "my baby girl died yesterday" I can remember the next morning sitting at the dinning table at Chris's parents house (we could face going back to our house and waking up in our room with winnie in her moses basket) I sat at the table and went through the memory the bereavement suite had given us, it was so beautiful with lovely things inside like a certificate of life, forget me not seeds and a little angel amongst other things. I had no idea what I do next, I had to wait for a visit from the doctor and then I went back to the hospital, it was so hard walking into a room knowing you were going to see your daughter but knowing she was gone, I hugged her, kissed her, cried and told her how much I loved her. It was so hard seeing how much my dad was hurting too, even just thinking back to seeing his face that day as he held her makes me tear up. People that haven't been through it won't understand what that day holds for you, all the questions and forms that need filling in, for the postmortem and if you are prepared to allow certain samples to be used for research (which I did in the hope it may stop at least one more family go through this). I can't remember how long I stayed at the hospital that day but I remember the heart wrenching feeling still when once again I had to leave my little baby behind and go home. The staff at thr bereavement are amazing and I can never thank them enough for all their help, they changed my beautiful girl into the outfit I picked for her and tried their best to make such a hard experience as easy as possible for thr family.

That's it for this installment but I'll post more soon, one finally thing to say on this one is, if you know anyone going through please please don't avoid mentioning or talking about their angel, show them u remember their baby and they are important.