It’s slowly creeping up on me, the day my life changed forever a day I’ll never forget, not a single minute of it! 11th may every it comes around just the same, it’s more than just a date to me, it’s the most significant date in my diary, it the date everything changed. The date winter passed away, the date I saw things no should ever have to see, sights that have never left my memory as much as I would rather not remember them, sounds, smells all of it committed to a dark spot in my memory.
Not only did winter pass away that day but the person I was, the me I had been for 32 years died as well, I would never be the same from that date on. I can honestly say I don’t think I’ve ever felt 100% stable since that day. I am always teatterling on the edge of a cliff I think but my strength deep inside keeps me from falling, I wobble from time to time but I’ve never gone completely over, don’t get me wrong I’ve been close to it.
I hate that this date again is getting closer, I hate that 3 years has nearly passed without seeing my little Winnie’s eyes open. I will face this day again the best I can though and thank everyone for helping through so far xxxx
10th May 2018:-
It has just hit me that it is not only 3 years since Winter passed but 3 years since I saw her beautiful eyes open, 3 years since I heard her sneeze, cry or hiccup, 3 years since I have held and fed her, 3 years since I have hugged her close and sniffed the top of her head, 3 years since I kissed that little nose, those little hands and feet, 3 years since I carefully picked out the cutest outfit for her to wear, 3 years since I could decide to take her out for a walk, 3 years since nappies, baths and cleaning bottles, 3 years since swaddling, rocking and soothing to sleep. So it's not just 3 years since Winter passed it's 3 years since I last experienced all these moments. It's been 3 years since I started living a life I never imagined I would ever have to try and live, the life of a bereaved mother, a lifetime of longing for someone I know I will never be able to hold again, knowing all my hope and dreams for Winter left me the day that she did.
Today I feel empty, I am trying to control my feelings instead of letting them control me, trying to ensure I don't get pulled into a full brown flash back, trying to ignore the pounding of my heart in my chest, the tightness of my breath, I am just trying once again to live a normal day like the people I see day in and day out going about their lives, as I watch these people i sometimes think my time is standing still and I am just watching other peoples lives as I sit on the sidelines never fully being in that life somehow. xxxx
ill continue to read and share and remember her
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