It’s april again

I found the run up to winters births particularly hard this year, about a week beforehand my depression and anxiety took a complete nose dive, I called the doctor straight away to explain and was given some diazepam to help in the short term. It’s hard to explain really I can be fine one minute and then all of a sudden I’m hit with a rush of emotions and thoughts I can’t control or get straight, when it happens I feel sick and shaky, I cry my eyes outs.

On winters birthday I got up to see the outside covered in snow so my plans to see my angel on her birthday were stopped in their tracks, I still lit her candles on a cake for her though and sat in silence as I watched the flames before blowing them out. The day after her birthday I cried all the way to work, luckily I have a very understanding manager in terms of mental health, she contact someone for me so I could look at gett therapy, I have had one of my meds increased to help with the anxiety, anyone who takes meds daily know that just changing your meds can be a nightmare in itself. I am looking into therapy to try and help me learn to cope with how I am feeling, I have an appointment soon for CBT therapy, they have said they will monitor me closely and if my anxiety doesn’t improve they will refer me to look into PTSD.

Last night was particularly bad, I was ok at work and then I could feel it coming over me slowly, I got home and broke down, I felt like I was useless, like I couldn’t do the most natural thing in the world, have children, protect them and watch the grow up, I feel like I don’t know why I’m here, I couldn’t protect winter, I feel like people judge me for letting my 2 older girls move to their dads, I can’t have anymore kids so what is the point of me, what am I even here for, it’s a horrible way to feel, to feel like you are being judged. I’m thinking maybe getting a journal would be a good idea and then when I get that massive rush I can put my feelings and thoughts into the journal to get them out of my head, it’ll either work or it won’t but it can’t do any harm can it. Needles to say I hate the way I’m feeling at the moment and I struggle because people tell me so often how strong I am, I don’t feel strong I feel like a tree in the wind that about to come crashing down.