Pain and darkness

For a longtime I was doing ok, at least I thought I was, maybe I wasn’t, maybe I was just good at hiding it, I wonder if I’ve been this bad this whole time and pushed it so far down, tied my mask on so tight it didn’t slip. As I lay in the dark silence of another broken night of sleep these are the thoughts that whirl around my head, I’ve had a slip backwards, or maybe I should say sidewards in an effort to be less negative about it, my depression is bad, my anxiety is bad, I’m worried about everything I can possibly think to worry about, I feel useless, I feel hopeless and it feels like it’s not going to end. 

People tell me “it will pass” “ it will get better” “ you will feel normal again” I wish I felt like they were right but at the minute I don’t. I’m trying hard to fight it, to push it away, I’ve read about mindfulness but when I try it the quiet reminds me how dark I feel, maybe I’m not ready for that yet, I have CBT therapy booked for next month and that just scare me, how do I explain to someone the constant pit of dark emptiness I feel deep inside, the lack of motivation I have when my eyes open in a morning, the fact I just want to sleep it all away. I’ve not even started that yet and the worry it might not help has already kicked in, what if it is PTSD? Would the CBT still work for that? 

Worry worry dread worry dread dread worry dread worry dread dread, on and on round and round