Infant loss will effect everyone differently, it's defiantly changed me and I do believe it changes everyone even in small ways.
Since losing my daughter my life has changed completely, I hit rock bottom and had to work my way back up again. I understand a lot more than I used to do about anxiety, depression and grief, I see how often infant loss does have an impact on people and now know it's not a uncommon as I once thought. I see how short life is and how important memories and photos are.
I battled my depression and anxiety and although I do still have the odd anxious day I'm proud of who I have become. I used to be that person who would take anything that was thrown at me and say nothing because I didn't want to upset others, anything for an easy life, that's not me anymore, I don't fly off the handle at little things but if I think something should be said I say it now and I feel better for being like this, I have faught the hardest fight any mother can face and any war after that will be a drop in the ocean, you can't spend your whole life trying to make others happy you have to be happy too otherwise what is the point.
If you love someone tell them, they may not be here tomorrow so don't wait, if you don't like someone stay away from them, why fill your life with ill feeling, if you can help someone then do.
Most importantly life your life for you and the ones you love, those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter. Xxxx
Keeping pushing through everyone it's worth it
Monday, 27 February 2017
Judgment, misunderstanding, carelessness and pity not needed
Since become and angel mum I have been pleasantly surprised as well as shocked and disgusted with how other behave towards angel parents.
I am in a few support groups online for bereavement after the loss of a child, the people in these groups are incredible, some of the most caring and courageous people I have ever had the pleasure to speak to and interact with, these people have an understanding way beyond most others.
Unfortunately as with light the opposite is dark the same can be said for people, I have seen people treated awfully following for loss of their little ones, people blamed for what happened, people hurt because of the mindlessness of others. I have seen people being complained about for posting pictures of their angels, people's thoughtless family members making comments without thinking that leave bereaved parents feelings their angels are forgotten. Judgements passed by people who are nothing to do with the situation or people involved.
As an angel parent myself I can say we don't need this at all, we already judge and question ourselves more than enough, if you are genuinely interested in finding out an angel parents story then ask them.
When someone ask how many grandchildren, nephews or nieces you have include our angels they are still our children, do not ever try to place blame at an angel parents feet for the nightmare they have found themselves in, put yourself in there shoes, in my case I watched my daughter take her final breaths in my arms knowing neither I nor the medical team could do anything for her, so for me if I even think someone is saying anything against it I see red.
Angel parents are strong caring people who don't need blame, judgement or pity just a little understanding and support from time to time.
I am in a few support groups online for bereavement after the loss of a child, the people in these groups are incredible, some of the most caring and courageous people I have ever had the pleasure to speak to and interact with, these people have an understanding way beyond most others.
Unfortunately as with light the opposite is dark the same can be said for people, I have seen people treated awfully following for loss of their little ones, people blamed for what happened, people hurt because of the mindlessness of others. I have seen people being complained about for posting pictures of their angels, people's thoughtless family members making comments without thinking that leave bereaved parents feelings their angels are forgotten. Judgements passed by people who are nothing to do with the situation or people involved.
As an angel parent myself I can say we don't need this at all, we already judge and question ourselves more than enough, if you are genuinely interested in finding out an angel parents story then ask them.
When someone ask how many grandchildren, nephews or nieces you have include our angels they are still our children, do not ever try to place blame at an angel parents feet for the nightmare they have found themselves in, put yourself in there shoes, in my case I watched my daughter take her final breaths in my arms knowing neither I nor the medical team could do anything for her, so for me if I even think someone is saying anything against it I see red.
Angel parents are strong caring people who don't need blame, judgement or pity just a little understanding and support from time to time.
Friday, 24 February 2017
Princess winters story
I lay this morning still and awake thinking of winter and I decided to write a story to put on the memorial page for her so I thought I'd share it.
The butterfly princess
Once upon a time there were 2 people who dreamt of having a baby, they dreamt this same dream for a long time although after years of trying this dream seemed out of reach until one day to their surprise 2 lines appeared and their dream became a reality.
They were so excited and guessing started as to whether they would have a little Prince or princess, one of them was convinced they would have a prince and after waiting a long 16 weeks they went to see there dream with there own eyes to see if they should prepare for a prince or indeed a princess. After the nervous wait to find out it was confirmed a princess was on the way everyone was so excited and it came time to think of a name for the Princess that till this moment had been known as bubba, names were suggested and decided against until they stumbled upon the most beautiful one Winter Scarlett Hutchinson it seemed so perfect.
More weeks went by and the excitement grow, excitment to meet the little princess, hold her, see how beautiful she was. During the coming weeks lots of things needed sorting, all the little princesses things needed buying, practical things she would need and beautiful robes to dress her in.
On April 2nd 2015 the time had finally come to head to the hospital, finally they were going to hold in their arms the dream they had long for and desired, it was a nervous wait but finally it was our turn, both scared and excited they where taken into a big room and she was prepared for the surgery about to take place, now this surgery didn't go as smoothly as she had expected and both of them experienced fear they had never felt before, complications arouse that needed sorting after the Princess had arrived and the scariest part of all was the Princess as she wasn't breathing as she should have been, they both waited anxiously with her laying on the bed head turned as far to where the Princess was as possible, in the end the Princess was fine, maybe she wanted to make her entrance as memorable as possible.
They both got to hold there beautiful princess wrapped in blankets and a little pink hat, they were now mummy and daddy finally, mummy thought princess winter looked like a caterpillar wrapped up like that and she beamed with happiness as she saw daddy cradle Prince winter in his arms and look down on her with such pride and admiration. After an extended stay in the hospital mummy and daddy got to take princess winter home to her palace and visitors came from far and wide to say how beautiful she was, and she was, she had loads of dark hair and a cute button nose, she was perfect in everyway.
Finally back at the palace their dream had come true, they were going to love happily ever after and they did for 5 weeks and 4 days.
Now not all fairytales have a happy ending and unfortunately this was one of those, on the morning of may 11th 2015 thr palace awoke to find the Princess not herself, she was cold, tired and didn't want to eat, mummy and daddy decided a trip.to the doctors for the Princess was in order, after daddy went to work mummy got dressed and got princess winter dressed too and headed out to see the doctor, we waited for the doctor and the fear inside mummy grew, something was very wrong princess winter was not breathing as she should be, mummy thought to herself I bet later tonight I'll laugh at the scare this little princess is giving me, within mins this perfect dream turned into the worst nightmare. In mummy's arms she felt the Princess was not breathing anymore, she lifted the Princess up to her face and has never felt fear that gripped her entire body until then, everyone rushed around and took the Princess away to help her.
After what felt like a lifetime we were moved from the doctors onto an ambulance to rush the Princess to the hospital, daddy was rushing back from work to be by the Princesses side. The time in the hospital was a blur of confusion, people running around, saying to many things to follow, mummy's fear continued to grow as she felt this dream they longed for was once again slipping away, daddy arrived as they were telling mummy the bad news, they had tried so hard but they could not save the little princess and told mummy and daddy they would need to say goodbye, now goodbyes are never easy I know but this particular goodbye was the hardest of both their lives, they held princess winter on their arms, gave her all the kisses they could, begged and pleaded with her not to leave them but she could not stay any longer.
Lots of people came to the hospital and gathered in a room around the beautiful princess winter who lay in a beautiful crib, an awful sadness filled the entire room, people hugged and cried they all spent some time with the beautiful princess giving her their last cuddles and kisses.
As the weeks passed the pain remained but the day to say one final goodbye to the Princess arrived, people all over the world showed their support lighting candles, people knew the name winter scarlett Hutchinson across the globe and this offered a little bit of comfort to mummy and daddy, princess winter came into the church in her daddy's arms and he laid her at the front where she would remain as people talked about what an amazing little princess winter was, everyone wept and some candles were lit.
After the church daddy had to be strong once more time as in his arms lay a beautiful princess on the way to her forever bed.
Winter scarlett Hutchinson was a real princess and loved by so many, people think of her still often and mummy decided she was now a butterfly, a butterfly princess.
The butterfly princess
Once upon a time there were 2 people who dreamt of having a baby, they dreamt this same dream for a long time although after years of trying this dream seemed out of reach until one day to their surprise 2 lines appeared and their dream became a reality.
They were so excited and guessing started as to whether they would have a little Prince or princess, one of them was convinced they would have a prince and after waiting a long 16 weeks they went to see there dream with there own eyes to see if they should prepare for a prince or indeed a princess. After the nervous wait to find out it was confirmed a princess was on the way everyone was so excited and it came time to think of a name for the Princess that till this moment had been known as bubba, names were suggested and decided against until they stumbled upon the most beautiful one Winter Scarlett Hutchinson it seemed so perfect.
More weeks went by and the excitement grow, excitment to meet the little princess, hold her, see how beautiful she was. During the coming weeks lots of things needed sorting, all the little princesses things needed buying, practical things she would need and beautiful robes to dress her in.
On April 2nd 2015 the time had finally come to head to the hospital, finally they were going to hold in their arms the dream they had long for and desired, it was a nervous wait but finally it was our turn, both scared and excited they where taken into a big room and she was prepared for the surgery about to take place, now this surgery didn't go as smoothly as she had expected and both of them experienced fear they had never felt before, complications arouse that needed sorting after the Princess had arrived and the scariest part of all was the Princess as she wasn't breathing as she should have been, they both waited anxiously with her laying on the bed head turned as far to where the Princess was as possible, in the end the Princess was fine, maybe she wanted to make her entrance as memorable as possible.
They both got to hold there beautiful princess wrapped in blankets and a little pink hat, they were now mummy and daddy finally, mummy thought princess winter looked like a caterpillar wrapped up like that and she beamed with happiness as she saw daddy cradle Prince winter in his arms and look down on her with such pride and admiration. After an extended stay in the hospital mummy and daddy got to take princess winter home to her palace and visitors came from far and wide to say how beautiful she was, and she was, she had loads of dark hair and a cute button nose, she was perfect in everyway.
Finally back at the palace their dream had come true, they were going to love happily ever after and they did for 5 weeks and 4 days.
Now not all fairytales have a happy ending and unfortunately this was one of those, on the morning of may 11th 2015 thr palace awoke to find the Princess not herself, she was cold, tired and didn't want to eat, mummy and daddy decided a trip.to the doctors for the Princess was in order, after daddy went to work mummy got dressed and got princess winter dressed too and headed out to see the doctor, we waited for the doctor and the fear inside mummy grew, something was very wrong princess winter was not breathing as she should be, mummy thought to herself I bet later tonight I'll laugh at the scare this little princess is giving me, within mins this perfect dream turned into the worst nightmare. In mummy's arms she felt the Princess was not breathing anymore, she lifted the Princess up to her face and has never felt fear that gripped her entire body until then, everyone rushed around and took the Princess away to help her.
After what felt like a lifetime we were moved from the doctors onto an ambulance to rush the Princess to the hospital, daddy was rushing back from work to be by the Princesses side. The time in the hospital was a blur of confusion, people running around, saying to many things to follow, mummy's fear continued to grow as she felt this dream they longed for was once again slipping away, daddy arrived as they were telling mummy the bad news, they had tried so hard but they could not save the little princess and told mummy and daddy they would need to say goodbye, now goodbyes are never easy I know but this particular goodbye was the hardest of both their lives, they held princess winter on their arms, gave her all the kisses they could, begged and pleaded with her not to leave them but she could not stay any longer.
Lots of people came to the hospital and gathered in a room around the beautiful princess winter who lay in a beautiful crib, an awful sadness filled the entire room, people hugged and cried they all spent some time with the beautiful princess giving her their last cuddles and kisses.
As the weeks passed the pain remained but the day to say one final goodbye to the Princess arrived, people all over the world showed their support lighting candles, people knew the name winter scarlett Hutchinson across the globe and this offered a little bit of comfort to mummy and daddy, princess winter came into the church in her daddy's arms and he laid her at the front where she would remain as people talked about what an amazing little princess winter was, everyone wept and some candles were lit.
After the church daddy had to be strong once more time as in his arms lay a beautiful princess on the way to her forever bed.
Winter scarlett Hutchinson was a real princess and loved by so many, people think of her still often and mummy decided she was now a butterfly, a butterfly princess.
Saturday, 18 February 2017
If I could hold you one more time
If I could hold you one more time I would never put you down again, never take my eyes off of you for a single second.
If I could hold you one more time I would place a million kisses upon your face, keep you warm in my embrace.
If I could hold you one more time I would tell you everything I want you to know, how I love you more than words can say and promise I would never let you go.
If I could hold you one more time knowing now what I didn't know then the moment would be so much more precious than anything I could have ever imagined.
When I hold you one more time we will be together and the pain will end, we will stay together from them.
I miss you so much it hurts sometimes, kisses to heaven my little Winnie. Xxx
If I could hold you one more time I would place a million kisses upon your face, keep you warm in my embrace.
If I could hold you one more time I would tell you everything I want you to know, how I love you more than words can say and promise I would never let you go.
If I could hold you one more time knowing now what I didn't know then the moment would be so much more precious than anything I could have ever imagined.
When I hold you one more time we will be together and the pain will end, we will stay together from them.
I miss you so much it hurts sometimes, kisses to heaven my little Winnie. Xxx
Monday, 13 February 2017
What fighting for winter means to me
i started this blog back in October 2015, the first pregnancy and infant loss awareness month since losing my little Winnie.
For me I wanted to talk openly and honestly about my experience as I feel it is still pretty much a taboo subject and I personally believe it shouldn't be, as I carried my blog on over the last nearly year and a half I have found that it helps me to deal with thoughts and feelings I have by writing them down, I hope it also helps others when they read it in some small way.
In my heart I felt something positive has to come out of such a horrendous experience and that is way I want to help others also walking this path. I continue to visit the bereavement suite where Winnie was so carefully looked after for 3 weeks between passing and being tucked into her forever bed, this also helps me, I like the staff there to know I haven't forgotten them and how amazing they all were at such an unbearable time, I like to take donations up to them to in the hope that it can help them to continue on thier good work easier.
This blog isn't just for me it is for winter, for everyone that has had to somehow make it through this journey which is never ending, I am always happy to help give support to anyone that needs it and have left details of both the Facebook and Instagram I run alongside this blog.
Instagram:- @fightingforwinter
Facebook:- break the silence and ask about our children.
I feel sharing my experience has been very helpful for me and would encourage anyone that thinks it might help them to give it a go, publicly or privately whatever suits you best, we all have to find our own way of dealing with what we feel. I still have hard days don't get me wrong, days when I'm angry or just want to cry but I'm getting there and you all will too xxx
For me I wanted to talk openly and honestly about my experience as I feel it is still pretty much a taboo subject and I personally believe it shouldn't be, as I carried my blog on over the last nearly year and a half I have found that it helps me to deal with thoughts and feelings I have by writing them down, I hope it also helps others when they read it in some small way.
In my heart I felt something positive has to come out of such a horrendous experience and that is way I want to help others also walking this path. I continue to visit the bereavement suite where Winnie was so carefully looked after for 3 weeks between passing and being tucked into her forever bed, this also helps me, I like the staff there to know I haven't forgotten them and how amazing they all were at such an unbearable time, I like to take donations up to them to in the hope that it can help them to continue on thier good work easier.
This blog isn't just for me it is for winter, for everyone that has had to somehow make it through this journey which is never ending, I am always happy to help give support to anyone that needs it and have left details of both the Facebook and Instagram I run alongside this blog.
Instagram:- @fightingforwinter
Facebook:- break the silence and ask about our children.
I feel sharing my experience has been very helpful for me and would encourage anyone that thinks it might help them to give it a go, publicly or privately whatever suits you best, we all have to find our own way of dealing with what we feel. I still have hard days don't get me wrong, days when I'm angry or just want to cry but I'm getting there and you all will too xxx
Sunday, 12 February 2017
An emptiness that will never be filled
For 6 years I longed to get pregnant and month after month it was a crushing disappointment before a realisation that it was never going to happen, just as I gave up hope Winter came along to show me you should never give up. When I found out I was pregnant I couldn't believe it at first and that was followed by an insane amount of joy, excitement and pure happiness, when Winnie was born and I held her in my arms I felt so full of happiness I could burst. Then it happened the awful day we lost our caterpillar my heart broke and I have never felt emptiness quite like it, the pain is immense and trying to explain it to someone who has never felt it is an impossible task. The emptiness feels like someone has smashed their hand into your chest and pull a massive chunk of your heart away with them, nothing can repaired this damage, fill the empty gap in my chest. My life is going ok at the moment but despite being happy I still have this feeling of emptiness and I have now resided myself to the fact it will never go away, will never be filled, it's a space that waits for us to reunite.
Thursday, 2 February 2017
Random thoughts of you
Sometimes out of the blue I can suddenly be consumed with random thoughts of you, thought of what could have been, thoughts of what you looked like smelt like and things you did. The way you hiccuped all the time when I was pregnant and when you were here, the way you always slept with your mouth wide open, the little way you used to hold you mouth in one position that I named the 'ohhh face' once you did it for so long I couldn't stop laughing. Although these random thoughts can bring with them a sting of pain they also give me comfort and joy, I'll always remember everything about you, especially how beautiful and prescious you were. Many people say their children are gifts but you my caterpillar was a gift from heaven sadly one they wanted back before I was ready to let you go.
5 weeks and 4 days in my arms but a lifetime in my heart, love you to the moon and back Winnie xxx
5 weeks and 4 days in my arms but a lifetime in my heart, love you to the moon and back Winnie xxx
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