Be proud of yourself

At the time our little ones leave us we are broken beyond what anyone that hasn't experienced this could understand but we fight, we fight to carry on, to get up the next day knowing your little one is no longer with you. To live life after your little Ines life has ended is probably the biggest challenger you will face in your entire life, each day gets a little bit easier and the fact that you have made it through is something you should be so proud of especially managing to live your life without being bitter about what you have lost.

All angel parents are stronger than any fighter this earth has ever known.

It may feel like the end but keep fighting

Stood in A&E I can see my daughter laid still on the bed and the masses of people around her are no longer hurrying about they are now still, a lady is stood in front of me telling they can't do anymore, I can't hear her words properly just myself repeatedly shouting "no" behind her I see winters father enter the room and my shouting is then to him "please make them do something please" then I hit the floor and I say to him "I don't want to be here without her, I don't to be here anymore". At that moment I felt like my life was over, I couldn't carry on, I saw no way forward from that moment in time, saw nothing in front of me worth carrying on for.

I tried to be as strong as I could but after my marriage failed I broke down a bit, I agreed for my older children to live with their dad as I didn't feel strong enough to give them the life they deserved, I gave my marriage another try and tried to make it work but 9 months after losing my baby girl my marriage was over fully, I felt I had nothing left, my beautiful girl was gone, my older girls had gone to their dads and my marriage had failed, I felt hopeless and tried to take my life, luckily it didn't work and I survived to carry on fighting. Nearly a year after I am still here, I am the best I have been since losing my little baby girl, I have a new partner who is amazing, he offers me all the support in the world and is so understanding to the pain I have been through.

Please please anyone who feels they have lost everything and there is nothing to carry on for believe me there is, it doesn't have to be the end it can be a new beginning, learn every lesson hard times teach you and go on to be a better person than you have ever been before, you'll have more understanding to others than you ever believed you could do.

Never struggle alone reach out even if it's to someone you don't know, talk about how you feel and accept help from others, live on for your little ones.

I've said before and I'll always say it again please anyone who doesn't know where to turn I am always here, email me, message me on here, on instagram anywhere just done feel alone.

Email:- leadhutch@icloud.com
Instagram:- fightingforwinter
Facebook:- break the silence and ask about our children

My Winnie grew wings and flew among the star

When we lost our Winnie we had more contact with a cpl I knew of but didn't really know, they also lost a little one and after losing him started their own business making custom minifigs, well last December we received a message from this amazing cpl letting us know that they had made a winter minifig and that the astronaught tim peake would be taking Winnie's minifigs as well as a few others with him up to the space station, I cried so much upon hearing this, firstly because it's such a thoughtful thing for them to do and also I am aware that astronaughts only have a very small amount of space to take items with them onto the space station so the fact Tim peak took our little Winnie meant so much.

A couple of nights ago winters father sent me a picture of the Minifig that had been sent into space and with it was this writing.

"This custom made mini figure of Winter Scarlett Hutchinson travelled to space with britains first official astronaught major tim peak on the 15th December 2015. She remained in space aboard the international space station for more than 187 days and travelled over 79,970,000 miles.

For 187 days the view was of unimaginable beauty and a world without any distinguishable borders or division. For those 187 days she was a star in the sky, seen by people all over the world when they looked to the heavens at night"

For someone that enjoys star gazing and often likes to watch the space station fly over this made my heart feel like it was going to burst, I have always felt little Winnie achieved more in her short time upon this earth than most of us ever will do but this just showed me that yet again, my beautiful little caterpillar flying aboard the space station couldn't make me any prouder at all.

Love you to the moon and back my amazing, beautiful, strong baby girl xxx

Proud angel parent

tonight as I'm sat on this train on my way home from work I've found myself thinking about how proud I am of my angel daughter, she will never know that she touched more people in her life of 5 weeks and 4 days than I could ever hope too. Not only people that met her but people far and wide fell in love with her beaming smile as shared her story. The total number of readers on this blog has not reached 12,412 and these readers span the globe. The impact my little Winnie has had on my life is beyond words as is the pride I feel when I think of her, I hope she is up there thinking to herself  'wow all these people know about me' our heartache has reached thousands of people and I hope and prey that it helps other families too. Winter has defiantly made me a better version of myself, I am no longer oblivious to how often people loss children, no longer oblivious to the incredible work done by the amazing staff in the bereavement suite.

Winter I am so proud of you my baby girl.

We are still mothers

Sometimes it can be hard to lose site of the fact that we are still mothers to the children we have lost, we still have a responsibility to our children even they their foot steps can't be heard, we still make their beds, their forever beds need love and care, we think about our children no longer with us no less than a mother who holds her child's hand walking down the street. We still recognise our children's birthdays and plan how best to approach the day in a fitting way, we have out little ones memories whatever they maybe to each of us, clothes, photos, teddies, locks of hair, hand prints, foot prints and we treasure these as we know unfortunately we can't make more memories. Out love doesn't fade as time goes on, out love and the responsibility we have for a our angel children will always always remain. We may not hold our children in our arms but we never release them from our hearts, we take them everywhere we go day in and day out we try to make our children proud.

Anger is a normal emotion

Of all the emotions I go through as a bereaved mother anger is the one where I find myself having to remind myself this is normal!

Probably about a week ago now I was laying in bed and as on many occasions before winter popped into my head, this can then lead to many thoughts, feelings and memories but this particular night I'm thinking back on I felt angry, angry that this happened to me, angry at how unfair it was, after a few seconds I felt annoyed with myself for feeling like this and then I start to wonder 'am I losing the plot'  this is when I have to remind myself this is normal it's all part of healing properly, we have to allow ourselves to feel whatever we are feeling, don't shut thoughts out, feel every emotion and most importantly never feel we are wrong for doing so.

Anticipation is always worse than the day itself

I've not posted since before xmas, anyone that follows my blog knows I was not looking forward to Christmas and waking up for the 2nd year running with my baby girl. Well Christmas came and went the same as it did last year, I survived again and to be fair I had a great day, I was so anxious about how the day would be, how I would feel but Christmas Eve was actually the harder day of the 2 as I was worrying about how I was going to be. I'd like to think that come Christmas 2017 I will be more relaxed on the run up to it but probably not hey.

Christmas morning I went with my partner to the church where I had winters funeral and lit some candles for her, as I did this I though of a few other angels I know of too, the vicar said they could put winters candles onto the alter and they could stay there for the day, she kindly offered to say a prayer with us, as I am not religious myself I decided against this but felt the offer was very touching. After the church we went up to see Winnie at her forever bed for a bit too.

Spending Christmas morning this way leads you sometimes to have a few quiet moments thinking this isn't right, I should be at home right now building her toys she got from santa, trying to control the mayhem and start Christmas dinner, standing in the doorway watching her play with the biggest smile on my face, unfortunately at the same time knowing this is how your Christmas mornings will be from now on as I feel someone needs to be with her Christmas morning, I can't stand the idea of no one visiting her that day.

I hope everyone else found enough peace to get through this Christmas too.