Christmas is fast approaching again

well we are half way through November which means Christmas is just around the corner and just the thought of it is enough to bring me to tears, last Christmas was hard as it would have been winters first Christmas but I knew even at that point that this Christmas would be hard because winter would have been big enough to actually enjoy it all,  the run up to it, seeing santa, the excitement of Christmas morning, the boxes the toys would have been in (we all know that's what the kids really want to play with).

When I think about Christmas now I feel like a volcano of emotions, I can feel it building slowly inside me, my chest tightens, I feel light head and the tears build before the overflow, I know part of it is fear as I'm unsure exactly how I'll feel when I wake up that day, the last day I felt this anxious about was winters birthday and I know when I woke up that day I felt sick, I felt like I was in the middle of a massively panick artack.

My plan is to try and remain calm, breath and remember that winter will be there with me every minute of the day and she would not want to see her mummy sad.

If I could have one Christmas wish it would definitely be to have Winnie back in my arms driving me crazy, refusing to sleep in her bed, keeping me up at night.

Am I ok or just good at faking it now

I'm currently sat on a train 18 months after losing my baby princess and I'm suddenly hit with an awful sadness out of nowhere, this leads me to wonder the question in my title am I ok or just good at faking it? Do I just spend most of my time pretending I'm fine and the suddenly it's like a container that's filled to much and overflows. I don't know and I guess I never will, I think I'm ok most of the time obviously certain things will set me off but recently I have had a few nightmares again remember that day and now this, I'm sure it's just normal I can always remember someone telling me that grief is not a straight line so that could be all this is.

When these moments hit it's all consuming like the sadness and pain is the only thing you are able to feel right now at that moment I ask Winter to comfort me, it's a strange feeling like no one else is around you it's just you and the sadness, starting blanking at nothing.

I guess it's just part of my life now and I know winter is with me every step of the way

18 months without you

Dear Winnie,

18 months has passed since you grew your wings, I still think about you every single day, how could I not? My love for you still grow with each passing minute. I hope when you see me your proud of your mummy. I'm so proud of you my brace beautiful amazing little butterfly, I hope it's as beautiful up there as you are.

So much has happened since I last saw you, I've probably changed a lot from the mummy you once knew but I hope it's mainly for the better, I try my best not to be too sad when I think about you, I know you wouldn't want to see me cry, I was writing about you the other day and then I found a white feather on the floor in the hallway, was that you? Did you leave that for me? We're you with me? I wish there was some way for you to answer all my questions as I have so many.

One day Winnie I'll be with you and I have the biggest hug for you so I hope your ready for it because my arms will definitely be ready for you, I'll wrap them round you so tight and plant a little kiss on your nose, I'll breath deeply to take in your scent.

It's hard not having you here but I know you couldn't stay any longer, I'm so greatful you stayed the time you did and graces me with you beauty, your smile and just you.

I must go now baby girl be good till mummy gets to you

All my love hugs and kisses for you caterpillar
Love mummy xxxx

The mind works in strange ways

I sometimes find it strange the way our minds work, memorie that pop up and you think for a minute 'ohh I'd forgotten that'

Today I found some old photos and as I was going through them I stumbled upon a scan picture of winter from a private scan I'd had because I was too impatient to wait and found out if I was team blue or pink. As I looked at the pic I remembered that day vividly, walking into the scan room fully expecting to be told I was having a little boy, I had taken my 2 older girls with me so they felt part of it all, I could remember being sat in the car after and putting a post of Facebook about there being a 2% chance I was having a boy (this made me smile) I remembered how much I enjoyed being pregnant, watching my belly grow, I remembered the app I had on my phone that told me how big my baby girl had got from week to week and showed you how big her hand should be.

I hadn't thought about any of this since winter had been born but I was pleasantly surprised that it all made smile, the one pang of sadness that struck me was that it's something I'll never get to do again.

Hard to read, hard to write

In September 2015 I decided to start this blog in the run up to pregnancy and infant loss awareness month in an effort to encourage other to talk about their little ones too as it does seem to be such a taboo subject, we may be bereaved parents but does that mean we are any less proud of our child? Does this mean we want to talk about our child less? The answer to both questions is NO.

I appreciate people don't want to bring our children up through fear of upsetting us however the one thing that is more upsetting is thinking people have forgotten.

As I sat down to write my first post I was filled with hope at the thought of helping others, fear of reliving all the details and also wondered if anyone would actually read it, turns out a lot of people have read it, at the time I'm writing this it has actually been read now 10,840 times all across the world, this makes me proud mainly of my daughter winter knowing that she was only here for 5 and a half weeks but she was able to help so many people with her story.

I will continue to write my blog with my daughters memento at the for forefront of my mind, I encourage anyone who feels alone whilst traveling this long dark road to reach out, I always have time for other angel parents. I have an instagram account that runs with my blog if anyone wants to reach out feel free to message me on there it is also named fightingforwinter.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to help spread the word and to read my story, all my love and blessing to you and your angels xxx

Finally getting back winters things

I posted the other day about police involvement and waiting to get winters stuff back still, yesterday however I got a phone call from the PC involved with the case who did apologise a lot for the time it has taken. He got 2 officers to drive her stuff over to me.

As I sat waiting for the 2 officers to arrive I felt sick and nervous, how was I going to feel seeing her clothes she was wearing at the time? I got another call from the PC to let me know the best she had been wearing had been cut by the hospital to remove it quickly, he said he wanted to let me know so I wasn't upset to see it.

When the officers arrived they handed me a large plan brown envelope inside was her vest, sleep suit and red book, the sleep suit which was one of my favourites said "I love my marvellous mummy"
I looked at and smelt her clothes but they didn't really smell of anything now, looked through her red book and had a few tears.

This is the final piece of the jigsaw to put some closure to everything and getting them back didn't upset me as much as I thought it might have.

Thinking bigger

so yesterday my blog tipped over 9000 readers and has been read across the globe, it got me thinking how can this blog help more?

I have decided to include ads in my blog, I will not over run it with ads though as I will only place them down the side, by doing this it means the blog will make money and my idea is that what my blog makes will go the bereavement suite that allowed me to spend 3 weeks still holding my beautiful daughter and saying goodbye to her after she had passed, I know in order for this to work it will take a title more effort on my part so I will also be setting up an instagdam page to run along side this blog .

Any feedback regarding ads being to big or anything like that please feel free to contact me xx

Police involvement

I have mentioned this aspect before and I know people who have gone through the same or similar will be aware of the polices involvement, this involvement continues until the cause of death has been concluded, in winters case this was about 6 months. You are informed that the items they take from your baby will be returned as soon as their involvement ends, so why 18 months later am I still having to make phone calls and chase them for winters belongings, forever being promised a call back, every time I call I have to answer the same questions....... what was your daughters name? What was the date she died? Where did her death occur? Why do I have to answer these questions? Because the person I speak too doesn't have access to this information.
How is it fair that in this day and age a bereaved parent should have to chase the police to get back the belongings of their beloved child! It's not right! It's not fair! It simply should not be happening. For myself this is the final thing for me to do to be able to have any sort of closure and it's like mental torture.

After all this time

im sat in a hospital waiting room to have a lump check in my breast and my phone rings, I answer it the lady checks who I am and then informs me "mrs Hutchinson, we now have all the paperwork we need from the coroners report so you are now ok to come and register winters birth and death, when would you like to book that for?" I freeze, tears fill my eyes and I can't talk, finally I manage "I'm really sorry I can't talk to you now can I ring back?" I couldn't think, my head was spinning, over a year after losing winter and now I have to face this. I pull myself together contact them and make the appointment, then I need to contact the police to get my red book for winter back so I have all the info I need, during these phone calls I sit and think this shouldn't be happening, I shouldn't have to do this, will this never end.

The end of the week comes and I wake feeling sick, shaking knowing today I will be registering both events, I don't want to do this but at the same time I want to get this done too. It was like my heart breaking all over again, I got through this day thanks to an amazing friend holding my hand every step of the way.

Hit like a ton of bricks

So ive not posed for a bit, even when I'm not posting I'm still thinking of how to right a post about something I have experienced that I feel may be helpful for others to know that they aren't alone in feeling, this being said I'll start with my trip back to the doctors surgery where it all started that morning 11/05/2015.

Everytime I enter the waiting room I feel anxious and the longer I wait the worse it gets, my heart starts to pound, my eyes dart all over and my right leg will start bouncing up and down, I'll start to sweat and my hands will shake, this day was no different until I saw the room number I was supposed to go to flash up on the electric sign, I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach and was filled with dread, I just knew that was the one room I didn't want to go in, I start walking down the corridor hoping I'm wrong I till I see the door number and suddenly I'm transported back to that day, the fear I felt walking into room 7 as doctors were working on winter and I was waiting for the ambulance to arrive, today though I couldn't go in there I got to the and I broke down, I couldn't breath I panicked and cried, luckily the doctor I was to set was so understanding and took me to a different but my reaction left me wondering if I had dealt with things as well as I had thought.