3 yrs nearly gone in the blink of an eye

It’s slowly creeping up on me, the day my life changed forever a day I’ll never forget, not a single minute of it! 11th may every it comes around just the same, it’s more than just a date to me, it’s the most significant date in my diary, it the date everything changed. The date winter passed away, the date I saw things no should ever have to see, sights that have never left my memory as much as I would rather not remember them, sounds, smells all of it committed to a dark spot in my memory.

Not only did winter pass away that day but the person I was, the me I had been for 32 years died as well, I would never be the same from that date on. I can honestly say I don’t think I’ve ever felt 100% stable since that day. I am always teatterling on the edge of a cliff I think but my strength deep inside keeps me from falling, I wobble from time to time but I’ve never gone completely over, don’t get me wrong I’ve been close to it.

I hate that this date again is getting closer, I hate that 3 years has nearly passed without seeing my little Winnie’s eyes open. I will face this day again the best I can though and thank everyone for helping through so far xxxx


10th May 2018:-

It has just hit me that it is not only 3 years since Winter passed but 3 years since I saw her beautiful eyes open, 3 years since I heard her sneeze, cry or hiccup, 3 years since I have held and fed her, 3 years since I have hugged her close and sniffed the top of her head, 3 years since I kissed that little nose, those little hands and feet, 3 years since I carefully picked out the cutest outfit for her to wear, 3 years since I could decide to take her out for a walk, 3 years since nappies, baths and cleaning bottles, 3 years since swaddling, rocking and soothing to sleep. So it's not just 3 years since Winter passed it's 3 years since I last experienced all these moments. It's been 3 years since I started living a life I never imagined I would ever have to try and live, the life of a bereaved mother, a lifetime of longing for someone I know I will never be able to hold again, knowing all my hope and dreams for Winter left me the day that she did.

Today I feel empty, I am trying to control my feelings instead of letting them control me, trying to ensure I don't get pulled into a full brown flash back, trying to ignore the pounding of my heart in my chest, the tightness of my breath, I am just trying once again to live a normal day like the people I see day in and day out going about their lives, as I watch these people i sometimes think my time is standing still and I am just watching other peoples lives as I sit on the sidelines never fully being in that life somehow. xxxx

Pain and darkness

For a longtime I was doing ok, at least I thought I was, maybe I wasn’t, maybe I was just good at hiding it, I wonder if I’ve been this bad this whole time and pushed it so far down, tied my mask on so tight it didn’t slip. As I lay in the dark silence of another broken night of sleep these are the thoughts that whirl around my head, I’ve had a slip backwards, or maybe I should say sidewards in an effort to be less negative about it, my depression is bad, my anxiety is bad, I’m worried about everything I can possibly think to worry about, I feel useless, I feel hopeless and it feels like it’s not going to end. 

People tell me “it will pass” “ it will get better” “ you will feel normal again” I wish I felt like they were right but at the minute I don’t. I’m trying hard to fight it, to push it away, I’ve read about mindfulness but when I try it the quiet reminds me how dark I feel, maybe I’m not ready for that yet, I have CBT therapy booked for next month and that just scare me, how do I explain to someone the constant pit of dark emptiness I feel deep inside, the lack of motivation I have when my eyes open in a morning, the fact I just want to sleep it all away. I’ve not even started that yet and the worry it might not help has already kicked in, what if it is PTSD? Would the CBT still work for that? 

Worry worry dread worry dread dread worry dread worry dread dread, on and on round and round 

It’s april again

I found the run up to winters births particularly hard this year, about a week beforehand my depression and anxiety took a complete nose dive, I called the doctor straight away to explain and was given some diazepam to help in the short term. It’s hard to explain really I can be fine one minute and then all of a sudden I’m hit with a rush of emotions and thoughts I can’t control or get straight, when it happens I feel sick and shaky, I cry my eyes outs.

On winters birthday I got up to see the outside covered in snow so my plans to see my angel on her birthday were stopped in their tracks, I still lit her candles on a cake for her though and sat in silence as I watched the flames before blowing them out. The day after her birthday I cried all the way to work, luckily I have a very understanding manager in terms of mental health, she contact someone for me so I could look at gett therapy, I have had one of my meds increased to help with the anxiety, anyone who takes meds daily know that just changing your meds can be a nightmare in itself. I am looking into therapy to try and help me learn to cope with how I am feeling, I have an appointment soon for CBT therapy, they have said they will monitor me closely and if my anxiety doesn’t improve they will refer me to look into PTSD.

Last night was particularly bad, I was ok at work and then I could feel it coming over me slowly, I got home and broke down, I felt like I was useless, like I couldn’t do the most natural thing in the world, have children, protect them and watch the grow up, I feel like I don’t know why I’m here, I couldn’t protect winter, I feel like people judge me for letting my 2 older girls move to their dads, I can’t have anymore kids so what is the point of me, what am I even here for, it’s a horrible way to feel, to feel like you are being judged. I’m thinking maybe getting a journal would be a good idea and then when I get that massive rush I can put my feelings and thoughts into the journal to get them out of my head, it’ll either work or it won’t but it can’t do any harm can it. Needles to say I hate the way I’m feeling at the moment and I struggle because people tell me so often how strong I am, I don’t feel strong I feel like a tree in the wind that about to come crashing down.