Birthday number 2

So Sunday coming 2nd April should be Winnie's 2nd birthday and although it breaks my heart I never got one birthday with my beautiful little caterpillar I have decided this year there are no tears, this birthday I shall celebrate my angel, the amazing little girl who's story has touched hearts all over the world. I'll celebrate her and also how far I have come since that day when I thought my life was over and that this world had nothing left to give me. I have a lot to celebrate, I have 2 incredible daughters without wings one of them will be turning 16 at the end of April, I am still here, I have a new job I'm really enjoying and I have an amazing man in my life who offers me so much support, strength when I feel I have none left, who very kindly and lovingly not only got me a Mother's Day card from Winnie but also wrote a tearjerkingly beautiful poem inside from her (I've decided not to share this as it's very dear to me and something I want to keep for myself) I thank this man from the bottom of my heart and I know Winnie is smiling down on him for all he does for her mummy.

Sunday we will go up to Winnie's forever bed and release balloons for her xxx

Missing you on mothers day

Today I woke with an overwhelming feeling of emptiness, of really missing you so deep it physically hurts beyond being able to explain in words to people how it feels,  I don't want to be alone but at the same time I don't feel like I want to be around people, it's confusing.

I'm annoyed at myself for the fact I have 2 others daughters one of which has already sent me a Mother's Day message yet I'm consumed with the hurt and upset for the daughter no longer here, ifs the deepest sadness I have felt and when days like this hit you honestly feel you will feel this sad forever.

I'm angry at the world at mothers that abuse or neglect their children, why do they have theirs when my little girl had to leave, life is unfair and it sometimes make me sit and think I always try to be a good person but what's the point because day in day out I see others acting like a*rseholes carrying on without regard for anyone else, only thinking of themselves and they have what they want, these people will always get their way so why don't I just stop being a good person, why don't I forget about others feelings and maybe then I'll always get what I want instead.

What hurts most is that I know in a weeks time I will say again in this amount of pain on winters birthday and it feels like it never ends.

Heaetbreak

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and tonight I feel heartbroken, I never got to have 1 Mother's Day with my beautiful little winter.

I think about it, how tomorrow morning she should be here, she should wake me up early whilst I grumble I can't even lay in on Mother's Day, she should be excited and try opening presents for me, I should look at her big beautiful eyes and beaming smile and think about how lucky I am to be blessed for a 3rd time with such and amazing daughter. I should spend my day surrounded by my girls chasing little Winnie as she behaves badly as she would be hitting her terrible twos by now and no doubt being a terror most of the time.

Instead of this I have photos and memories of the shortest 5 weeks ever, it hurts and I think it always will do xx

Mothers day

It's march again and I don't much like this time of year, I'm approaching my second Mother's Day since losing my Winnie, shortly followed by Winnie's 2nd birthday and then a month later her angelversary. It hurts like it was this morning she left but for you Winnie I will paint a smile on my face and get on.

My thoughts this Mother's Day go out to any angel mums xxx

I'm grateful to my angel

i am so grateful to my angel for looking over me since she left the earth, I know she is with me every step I take, she watches over me last year when I thought I couldn't not carry on and she helped me build myself back up, thanks to my angel my life feels better than it did this time last year.

Thank you Winnie for you continue help and strength mummy is very thankful to have you watching over me. 

I hope she is proud of the way I moved forward, I was ready to give up and give in but now I'm happy again, I have an amazing man in my life who supports me every step of the way and appreciates the struggle I face, I know Winnie watched is both and smiles at me being happy. 

Winnie may not be in my arms but she is always in my heart and always by my side fighting my corner and looking after me.