As my husband chris rightly pointed out men do sometimes struggle to speak out more than women. Chris has asked me of I'll allow him to post on here regarding this so watch this space for Chris's guest spot
Wednesday, 30 September 2015
Monday, 28 September 2015
The day life changed and my normal was gone
The photo on the post was taken at about 20.30 on Sunday 10th may, I didn't know at the time it would be the last photo I would have my little Winter alive.
From the minute I woke on 11th I was concerned, Winter wouldn't even try feeding, she was sleepy, her hands were cold and I could just tell she wasn't herself. I decided a call to the doctor was in order. I kissed my husband goodbye and told him I'd let him know what the doctors said. A quick call ended with them asking me to take Winter into the surgery so they could see what was going on, I didn't even get her dressed, I changed her nappy wrapped her up and put her in her pram, she slept the quick walk to the doctors. A few minutes after being in the doctors I could tell something wasn't right, she seemed like she was trying to cry but couldn't, I mentioned my concerns to the receptionist, within minutes of our conversation I felt fear like never before as Winter went limp in my arms and I left her to my face I could tell she wasn't breathing, they rushed her into a room and as the door closed I could see them working on her.
As I write this I'm trying hard not to let myself go back there for too long, not to see to much.
As the doctors worked on Winter behind that door I felt lost and hopeless in the hallway, frantically ringing someone to come and be with me, the hardest call was to my husband having to tell him we were waiting for an ambulance and that his beautiful daughter wasn't breathing broke me inside. I collapsed on the floor in that hallway and curled up towards the wall I begged, I pleaded, I prayed to please let her be OK, my sister in law came up to the doctors to be with me and they put us in a room to wait for ambulance, I had the worst feeling ever, like I knew Winter wad going to go, I couldnt keep her.
I couldn't get in the back of the ambulance, I tried but I couldn't see my beautiful tiny baby girl being worked on, they put me in the front of the ambulance and I'll never forgot that journey, the sirens where so loud, even now hearing an ambulance can take me right back to that journey. At the time sitting in the ambulance I never thought that day could get worse but it was just starting.
In the hospital I was sat on a chair and at thr other side of the room a team of people fought to save Winter, there were so many people I couldn't even see my little girl, a lady sat with me and went through what had happened leading up to the point Winter stopped breathing. I kept asking her "will she be OK" the response was always the same "we are doing everything we can", she kept asking if I wanted to go closer but I couldn't my body or maybe my mind would not let me. I don't know how much time past but I can remember a female doctor broke from the crowd around Winters bed and walked towards me, I know it was over, I know they could do no more and I honestly can't remember a word that doctor said to me but I can remember just screaming "no" at her over and a over again, as I turned my back to her I sawy husband walk in qnd I ran to him, I hugged him and I begged him " please make them do something please please" on thing I can remeber saying clear as day to him is "I don't want to be here without her" I fell to the floor and he held me as we both cried, I said "I want my dad, I need my dad" and then the lady doctor came back again and asked us to be with Winter, together we held her as she took her final breaths, I asked her over and over not to go, we kissed her and told her how loved she was as she drifted away.
I phoned my dad a few times, I found his his partner Sandra and I could work out how to say it, I think I said something like "I need dad to come up here to me. Shes gone, please ask dad to come".
Between myself and my husband chris we contacted people and let them know and asked them to inform others, I called my best friend and Winters godmother gemma, I could do it and helen my friend had to finish the call, Chris called our friends John and Claire Winters God parents and they made their way to the hospital too. We were put into a room to wait where slowly Chris's family started to arrive, his mum, his dad, sisters and there partners. We had to wait now to talk to the police and head to the bereavement suite, my husband was so brave and strong he carried our sleeping angel through the hospital and into the bereavement suite he laid her into the beautiful wooden crib that awaited us and then fell to the floor, it's hard to see someone you love break like that and know you can't say anything to make it better.
John and Claire arrived at the bereavement suite to say there goodbyes and one image I will never forget is seeing Claire stand there holding Winter kissing her goodbye with her beautiful baby bump, I often wonder if little Ella had a sense something was going on. We had winter blessed that day by the hospital Chaplin. I felt like my life has lost meaning like it wad pointless to breath anymore, pointless to eat or sleep.
From the minute I woke on 11th I was concerned, Winter wouldn't even try feeding, she was sleepy, her hands were cold and I could just tell she wasn't herself. I decided a call to the doctor was in order. I kissed my husband goodbye and told him I'd let him know what the doctors said. A quick call ended with them asking me to take Winter into the surgery so they could see what was going on, I didn't even get her dressed, I changed her nappy wrapped her up and put her in her pram, she slept the quick walk to the doctors. A few minutes after being in the doctors I could tell something wasn't right, she seemed like she was trying to cry but couldn't, I mentioned my concerns to the receptionist, within minutes of our conversation I felt fear like never before as Winter went limp in my arms and I left her to my face I could tell she wasn't breathing, they rushed her into a room and as the door closed I could see them working on her.
As I write this I'm trying hard not to let myself go back there for too long, not to see to much.
As the doctors worked on Winter behind that door I felt lost and hopeless in the hallway, frantically ringing someone to come and be with me, the hardest call was to my husband having to tell him we were waiting for an ambulance and that his beautiful daughter wasn't breathing broke me inside. I collapsed on the floor in that hallway and curled up towards the wall I begged, I pleaded, I prayed to please let her be OK, my sister in law came up to the doctors to be with me and they put us in a room to wait for ambulance, I had the worst feeling ever, like I knew Winter wad going to go, I couldnt keep her.
I couldn't get in the back of the ambulance, I tried but I couldn't see my beautiful tiny baby girl being worked on, they put me in the front of the ambulance and I'll never forgot that journey, the sirens where so loud, even now hearing an ambulance can take me right back to that journey. At the time sitting in the ambulance I never thought that day could get worse but it was just starting.
In the hospital I was sat on a chair and at thr other side of the room a team of people fought to save Winter, there were so many people I couldn't even see my little girl, a lady sat with me and went through what had happened leading up to the point Winter stopped breathing. I kept asking her "will she be OK" the response was always the same "we are doing everything we can", she kept asking if I wanted to go closer but I couldn't my body or maybe my mind would not let me. I don't know how much time past but I can remember a female doctor broke from the crowd around Winters bed and walked towards me, I know it was over, I know they could do no more and I honestly can't remember a word that doctor said to me but I can remember just screaming "no" at her over and a over again, as I turned my back to her I sawy husband walk in qnd I ran to him, I hugged him and I begged him " please make them do something please please" on thing I can remeber saying clear as day to him is "I don't want to be here without her" I fell to the floor and he held me as we both cried, I said "I want my dad, I need my dad" and then the lady doctor came back again and asked us to be with Winter, together we held her as she took her final breaths, I asked her over and over not to go, we kissed her and told her how loved she was as she drifted away.
I phoned my dad a few times, I found his his partner Sandra and I could work out how to say it, I think I said something like "I need dad to come up here to me. Shes gone, please ask dad to come".
Between myself and my husband chris we contacted people and let them know and asked them to inform others, I called my best friend and Winters godmother gemma, I could do it and helen my friend had to finish the call, Chris called our friends John and Claire Winters God parents and they made their way to the hospital too. We were put into a room to wait where slowly Chris's family started to arrive, his mum, his dad, sisters and there partners. We had to wait now to talk to the police and head to the bereavement suite, my husband was so brave and strong he carried our sleeping angel through the hospital and into the bereavement suite he laid her into the beautiful wooden crib that awaited us and then fell to the floor, it's hard to see someone you love break like that and know you can't say anything to make it better.
John and Claire arrived at the bereavement suite to say there goodbyes and one image I will never forget is seeing Claire stand there holding Winter kissing her goodbye with her beautiful baby bump, I often wonder if little Ella had a sense something was going on. We had winter blessed that day by the hospital Chaplin. I felt like my life has lost meaning like it wad pointless to breath anymore, pointless to eat or sleep.
This is were things start to get blurry for me so I apologise, I wanted this to be the most in depth post I write but I'm losing it to be honest so I'll end this post there and pick it up on the next post, remembering all the details is very draining.
Continuing the worst day
I know Saying goodbye to someone so precious is hard, but unless you have been there you don't understand what is involved not just doctors and medical professionals asking you questions but the police too, collecting your beautiful baby's clothes, last nappy, going to your house to take temperature readings, photographs of where you angel once slept. Your in shock. Overwhelmed with emotion and all this commotion is going on around you. In the bereavement suite I can remember my husband, my mother in law, my father in law, my dad and Sandra, both sisters in law and there partners, helen was there and John and Claire and my little baby Winter was laid in a crib, I don't know how long we stayed but I can remember my last cuddle that day and not wanting to put her down, not wanting to leave that hospital without her. I can remember going back to Chris's parents in the car with dad and Sandra but a lot of after that is a blur. I know I didn't want to answers texts or calls, gemma arrived later that evening. One thing I do remember is trying to go to bed that night, I lay in bed with my husband hold one of winnie's vests and as I let slumber take over I was jolted awake when I swear I heard her cry, we ended up getting out of bed and stayed on the sofa instead, I hardly slept, all I wanted was to have my baby girl in my arms and never feel pain like that again.
This post is short as I end that night and get ready to prepare myself to start thinking back to what comes after that day as it's a long journey that angel parents walk and saying goodbye is just thr start.
This post is short as I end that night and get ready to prepare myself to start thinking back to what comes after that day as it's a long journey that angel parents walk and saying goodbye is just thr start.
The most natural thing in the world became a memory that filled me with pain
One thing I struggled with was not feeding my daughter anymore, I tried so hard to make sure I breastfed Winter and was never willing to give in. After she grew her wings I was in so much pain as my mind knew she was gone but my body didn't, my body was still producing her milk to sustain her. I was given tablets to aid with this to help the milk dry up but that didn't help my mind, all I wanted to do was feed my little girl, I missing feeding times so much, it's like a punch in the gut. Night feeds are the ones I miss the most, I used to stare at her whilst she was feeding and just think how lucky I was.
Sunday, 27 September 2015
End the silence
October is miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss awareness month. Everyone should feel able to speak openly about their experiences without worrying what others may say or think. The awful pain we go through is enough on its own with feeling the need to bottle things up. My little winter will always be talked about as she is and will always be such a massive part of my life. I wish the UK viewed October 15th in the same way the us seem to.
Fighting the great fight
Today I fight, fight like a boxer fighting for his championship but tonight I'll maybe crumble and weep again, does this make me weak? Some say it's makes me strong.
I am currently fighting the hardest fight I've ever had to face. Myself and my husband chris spent 6 long draining yrs trying to conceive and in July 2014 I had surgery that diagnosed stage 4 endometriosis, my ovaries and bowel were found to be attached to the back of my uterus, before we could look at any treatment it finally happen 18th August 2014 I found I was pregnant, we were over joyed and a little nervous. My pregnancy was pretty uneventful really as pregnancies go.
April 2nd 2015 we welcome our amazing daughter winter into the world, she had a massive amount of dark hair and she was heart stoppingly beautiful. Winters birth was not as smooth as I would have liked, my bladder got torn and I ended up with a catheter for 2 weeks but it was a small price to pay for such a miracle. Unfortunately our time in paradise was short lived when on Monday 11th may 2015 winter sadly passed away and devastation like I've never known hit our family out of the blue. October is miscarriage, stillbirth and infant awareness month so throughout the month in honour of the end the silence campaign I will post blogs of my experience and hope it encourages more people to talk openly about there own experiences.
I am currently fighting the hardest fight I've ever had to face. Myself and my husband chris spent 6 long draining yrs trying to conceive and in July 2014 I had surgery that diagnosed stage 4 endometriosis, my ovaries and bowel were found to be attached to the back of my uterus, before we could look at any treatment it finally happen 18th August 2014 I found I was pregnant, we were over joyed and a little nervous. My pregnancy was pretty uneventful really as pregnancies go.
April 2nd 2015 we welcome our amazing daughter winter into the world, she had a massive amount of dark hair and she was heart stoppingly beautiful. Winters birth was not as smooth as I would have liked, my bladder got torn and I ended up with a catheter for 2 weeks but it was a small price to pay for such a miracle. Unfortunately our time in paradise was short lived when on Monday 11th may 2015 winter sadly passed away and devastation like I've never known hit our family out of the blue. October is miscarriage, stillbirth and infant awareness month so throughout the month in honour of the end the silence campaign I will post blogs of my experience and hope it encourages more people to talk openly about there own experiences.


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