Life doesn’t just stop

First instalment for a while, hoping all my readers are doing the best they can.

This year marked 4 years since I had my beautiful girl winter and 4 years since I said goodbye as well. Losing a child is much more than just losing your child, it’s losing your life as you know it, it’s being broken down and having to build yourself back up bit by bit, it takes strength, hard work, determination and kindness to yourself. My life is completely different now to how it was before, everything has changed, honestly nothing is the same as it was but I have realised that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

I’m about the embark on a new chapter in my life, I was recently made redundant and applied for a job with NHS 111, to make the application itself too a lot of consideration on my part, I questioned myself, how will I cope with calls in regards to children? How will it make me feel if someone calls in the same situation I found myself in with Winter? Or after losing a child calls feeling so desperate they feel they have nothing to live for? After some deep thought I decided to stop thinking about how me taking this role would effect me and think about the effect my taking this role may have on others, I could be the calm voice that helps some through the black hole they feel they are in and helps them to get the help they need, I could calming speak to someone who feels helpless as something is wrong with there child, I could reassure them as they wait for some help. This spurred me to go for it, I am now going to have the opportunity to give a little something back to the NHS.

To be honest when I lost winter I can remember that day like it was yesterday, I can remember standing in the emergency room, winter laying on a bed with a large trough of doctors and nurses around her, a lady standing in front of me saying they couldn’t do anymore, she had a heart beat but the blood wasn’t flowing around her body so there was no pulse they could feel, I can remember shouting no repeatedly at the poor lady trying to speak with me, winters dad arriving, falling to the floor in front of me and saying I don’t want to live without her, I can remember how hopeless I felt in that moment, I didn’t see how I was going to move forward from that second but when I look back at that now I see how far I have come, I have overcome to biggest challenge life has to throw at me. I have clawed and fought my way to where I am now, fought through the following diagnosis of fibromyalgia and today I sit and write this following years of support from family, friends, Dr’s and my amazing boyfriend, I have overcome not only this challenge but an awful time with my health. My endometriosis got so bad it became severely debilitating and made my fibromyalgia 100 times worse, I have undergone a hysterectomy and managed to get off of all my medication.

Unfortunately I won’t be sharing this instalment on Facebook due to deactivating my profile but please if you feel it may help someone feel free to share it to yours.

My life is back on track more than ever as I write this and I am so incredibly proud of what I have overcome, I’m hoping my experiences will enable me to help other who feel alone, are suffering or feel life is never going to get better.

As always I welcome anyone to contact me if they feel it would benefit them.

Leashutch@icloud.com
@fightingforwinter (instagram)

Keep going, keep fighting, you never know how strong you until being strong is all you can do to keep going xxx

Becoming me again

Winnie,

It’s mummy, I wanted you to know that as dark as things felt for a bit and as lost as mummy was I’m doing well now, for the 1st time lately since losing you I’m starting to feel like the old me is starting to shine through, I still miss you and always will, I’m still sad sometimes but I’m okay. Winnie I want to thank you, thank you for teaching me lessons I never would have learned, showing me I can get through anything with a bit of courage and strength, you are now my heartbeat, always there and always being felt but never really seen. I love you Winnie bobbin xxx

Love mummy xxxx

I’m doing it for you.

My little Winnie bobbin, I hope when you look down at me your happy with what you see, it’s not been easy I’ll admit but I’ve tried my best and still continue to do so, i lost my way for a little time but I’m mr again now and I have worked hard to get a normalise life together again, I’ve had my bumps along the way, with the diagnosis of fibromyalgia and then endometriosis going haywire. I know you looked over me during surgery and I thank you for fhat, I am starting a new chapter of life now Winnie, one with less pain (fingers crossed) I’ve been through a lot and fought my way back up I will continue to do so. I’m recovering well and after recover it’s a new start for me, starting with a trip to fuerteventura, I will be there on your angelversary so we will lite a candle on the beach for you. No one can bring me down Winnie with all I have been through I can’t go through anything worse can I? I am proud and sometimes amazed at where I am in my life considering what I have been through, it’s a massive fight but it’s one worth winning.

To anyone out their struggling, please don’t struggle alone, you will get through this, it may not seem possible but believe me you can do it. I’ve said before and will say again, never feel alone I always have time to talk and I can be reached in the following ways.

Email :- leashutch@icloud.com
Facebook :- break the silence and ask about our children
Instagram ;- fightingforwinter

Always remember the important things

sometimes when working our way through the mine field that is grief we can lose sight of what is important, I like to sit from time to time and remind myself about what it is that’s important to me. It’s importnat to me that my girls are happy and well looked after and I am so grateful to their dad and step mum for their role in helping with this, it is important to me to keep winters memory alive and try to help others along the way and try to achieve this with my blog, Facebook page and my Instagram, it’s important to me to continued fighting no matter what battling 2 chronic pain conditions make its harder but definitely not impossible and finally the people around me are important, when I say around me I don’t mean right beside me, I have amazing supportive people on the other side of the world and their support means so much, I am so grateful for the amazing support group I have including friends family and my amazing boyfriend who I honestly can not praise enough. 

Happy 4th birthday baby girl

April 2nd 2019, my little should be here turning 4, celebrating with her family and all her nursery friends, instead I woke up feeling somewhat empty and numb. Every year winters birthday feels just as raw as the one before but I don’t think that’s unusual to be fair. I get up, get dressed, put my make up and push through the best I can. Went shopping for birthday balloons, birthday banners and cake the only difference is we bring them to your forever bed and your not here to blow the candles out yourself. Mummy loves you Winnie bobbin xxx

Sorry I haven’t wrote much lately

i haven’t updated my blog lately and I apologise I am still around and will eventually get back on it properly.

I have suffered badly with my endometriosis over the last 3 - 4 months and have been off work because of this. However the main reason for my lack of posts has been due to another reason, I am unable to go into detail on this matter however what I will say may surprises some of you, unfortunately someone has taken parts of my blog and used this completely out of context to make some extremely upsetting unfounded allegations against myself, my mental and my ability as a mother. I won’t lie it has put me off writing my blog a bit and I just wanted to let you all know I am still here, I know my blog has helped others so I will continue with it shortly and I appreciate everyone who reads and has patience with me whist this is sorted.

If anyone does need to talk in the mean time as alway feel free to contact me on the details I have put in other post and the following email address leashutch@icloud.com.


Thank you all

3 yrs nearly gone in the blink of an eye

It’s slowly creeping up on me, the day my life changed forever a day I’ll never forget, not a single minute of it! 11th may every it comes around just the same, it’s more than just a date to me, it’s the most significant date in my diary, it the date everything changed. The date winter passed away, the date I saw things no should ever have to see, sights that have never left my memory as much as I would rather not remember them, sounds, smells all of it committed to a dark spot in my memory.

Not only did winter pass away that day but the person I was, the me I had been for 32 years died as well, I would never be the same from that date on. I can honestly say I don’t think I’ve ever felt 100% stable since that day. I am always teatterling on the edge of a cliff I think but my strength deep inside keeps me from falling, I wobble from time to time but I’ve never gone completely over, don’t get me wrong I’ve been close to it.

I hate that this date again is getting closer, I hate that 3 years has nearly passed without seeing my little Winnie’s eyes open. I will face this day again the best I can though and thank everyone for helping through so far xxxx


10th May 2018:-

It has just hit me that it is not only 3 years since Winter passed but 3 years since I saw her beautiful eyes open, 3 years since I heard her sneeze, cry or hiccup, 3 years since I have held and fed her, 3 years since I have hugged her close and sniffed the top of her head, 3 years since I kissed that little nose, those little hands and feet, 3 years since I carefully picked out the cutest outfit for her to wear, 3 years since I could decide to take her out for a walk, 3 years since nappies, baths and cleaning bottles, 3 years since swaddling, rocking and soothing to sleep. So it's not just 3 years since Winter passed it's 3 years since I last experienced all these moments. It's been 3 years since I started living a life I never imagined I would ever have to try and live, the life of a bereaved mother, a lifetime of longing for someone I know I will never be able to hold again, knowing all my hope and dreams for Winter left me the day that she did.

Today I feel empty, I am trying to control my feelings instead of letting them control me, trying to ensure I don't get pulled into a full brown flash back, trying to ignore the pounding of my heart in my chest, the tightness of my breath, I am just trying once again to live a normal day like the people I see day in and day out going about their lives, as I watch these people i sometimes think my time is standing still and I am just watching other peoples lives as I sit on the sidelines never fully being in that life somehow. xxxx