I wake up a little dazed and confused, I come round a little and leads form in my eyes threatening to spill over, then the anger hits, why am I living this day again, the land of sleep and dreams should be a peaceful place but not for me, instead of tranquility my head is filled with fear, raw emotions a heart beating do I can feel it as though it’s my brain thumping, every time I have this same dream everything is exactly the same, the same as the day I lost my little winter, the hardest part is holding her in the hospital begging her not to leave me whilst feeling her finally breath and knowing she left me anyway. Dream land to me is torture, the anger and frustration when I wake up never eases it’s always the same, why my little girl? Why me? Then why am I still living this? Is there something my brain feels it hasn’t processed correctly? Wouldn’t be surprising really would it considering.
This sort of thing is always worse at time of year, I’ve got a couple of weeks until winter’s birthday, she would have been three, I don’t think it will ever stop hurting but I hope that as the years go on it will be easier for me on the run up to these special days.
I remember 3 years ago I was experiencing a totally different kind of anxiety right now, never once though did I feel anxious that I might not get to keep the beautiful baby girl I was carrying, I did as every pregnant women does and took for granted she was mine to keep. My only advice to pregnant mums is not to worry about things like that but to ensure you enjoy every minute of everyday, the screaming that feels like it will never stop including, I know that may be hard but somewhere not to far from you is a women who would give anything to hear their own baby screaming non stop.
I’ve not wrote for a bit, my blog as well as being there to help others allows me to get thoughts out of my head, I’ve just not had that much to write.
The last thing I want to add for now is just thank you all xxx
